Here is My Home
by wbss21
Summary: He goes about making himself a sandwich, the clinking of dishes and silverware against jars seeming especially loud in the small space, and he thinks of Thor's home, with Jane and their two children. How noisy it had been. But pleasantly so. A noise which had spoken of life and love and warmth.
1. Chapter 1

**Here is My Home**

 **Chapter 1:**

The apartment is, as always, quiet when he returns.

Empty and dark.

Loki goes about his usual routine, switching on the light by the front door, dropping his keys onto the dresser below the switch.

He removes his scarf and then his coat, hanging them up, making sure to lock the door behind him before he heads towards the kitchen, really only separated from the living room by a small island.

He goes about making himself a sandwich, the clinking of dishes and silverware against jars seeming especially loud in the small space, and he thinks of Thor's home, with Jane and their two children. How noisy it had been. But pleasantly so. A noise which had spoken of life and love and warmth.

Loki has lived alone for so long now, before last night, he had scarcely been able to recall what that sounded like.

Christmas Eve, and Thor had come to see him.

It had been the absolute last thing Loki had ever expected. When he'd looked up from his books and seen his brother standing there...

It had, all at once, been like the most wondrous relief, and most suffocating fear which had taken hold of him, and for an instant, he had sat frozen, shocked, mind blinking out and words lost to him entirely.

He supposes, until that moment, until Thor had opened his mouth and said hello to him, Loki hadn't even realized how much he missed him.

Hadn't realized how _alone_ he'd been.

It had always gotten that way, around the holidays. One couldn't help being reminded, he supposed, if they really had no one, of that fact when all around you would see families together, shopping and laughing and enjoying each others company. Being in retail, he saw it especially during this time of year.

His own, fleeting memories would pass over his thoughts then. Of him and Thor, Mum and Dad, all together, how much joy and laughter and happiness there had been between them. Especially when he and Thor had been really young, and it was just the two of them, best and only friends.

Years had passed, and of course Thor, radiant Thor, had made friends of everyone he met, and Loki, well...

That hadn't ever been something he was very good at.

When Thor had met Jane, only a year before... before he'd found out, about where he'd come from, about the adoption, Loki remembers feeling such seething, burning jealousy towards her. Remembers it most of all for the way she had, somehow, been able to tame Thor's wild and reckless abandon. The way she'd soothed his brother into a calmness and thoughtfulness which Loki, for all his years of ceaseless trying, had never been able to do.

He had wanted to hate her for it, he remembers. At first he had. Had wanted to hate her for meaning more to Thor than he did. That's how it had felt. Because Thor listened to her, where he never listened to Loki.

But then, eventually, he had only been able to come to respect her.

She'd been smart. Immensely smart. Loki hadn't ever met another person, outside his mother and father, who had ever been able to keep up with his at times painfully rapid and noisy thoughts, who had been able to follow what he meant with such ease. Jane though... Jane had been able to match him, at times even surpass him when it came to certain things. She'd been sweet, but tough, never falling for any of his bullshit, calling him on it in a way, again, only Mum and Dad ever had. It had been an act, then, his callousness towards her. One which, eventually, he'd been unable to maintain, and she had won him over, easily as she'd won Thor over, he supposes.

When he'd seen in the papers that she and his brother had gotten married, and then Mum had told him again, Loki had only been able to feel happy for Thor, all the while ignoring the pang of regret he felt at not being able to be there for it.

Loki shakes his head, replacing the mayo and turkey in the fridge before closing the door, picking up his plate and drink and heading back into the living room.

Stupid, he thinks, to have spent so many years apart. But his pride had always been his one, great weakness. Thor's too. Only Thor had always been the braver of them also, and so Loki supposes he shouldn't have been so surprised, to see his brother reach out first.

Loki hadn't known what to expect when Thor had invited him to come spend Christmas with him and his family at their home. Hadn't been sure how Jane and his nephews would respond to his being there, hadn't been sure how he would respond to seeing them, Thor's two son's for the first time.

He'd felt so afraid. Terrified that they would reject him, and that fear had made him feel so angry towards himself. He'd promised himself a long time ago he wouldn't care what anyone thought of him ever again, but that was a promise which he'd always found impossible to keep.

And yet it had been exactly the opposite. Jane and the boys had welcomed him with open arms, accepted him into their home, and acted as though they were genuinely happy to have him there with them, on Christmas day.

Loki had sat with Thor and Jane on the couch, watching as Modi and Magni opened their presents under the tree, and had felt stunned beyond words when the two children had, instead of Thor or their mother, wanted to share their new toys and play with him.

Halfway through the morning, Loki had excused himself to go to the bathroom, and to his great embarrassment, had started sobbing his eyes out, trying to muffle the sound of it against his palm. He hadn't even understood what was wrong with him, why he was reacting the way he was, why he couldn't stop weeping.

Eventually, Thor had come looking for him, asking if he was alright, and Loki had tried vainly to cover the evidence of his tears by splashing cold water on his face. He's certain both Jane and his brother had known he was crying, but neither of them, to his gratitude, had said a word.

Later, they'd tried convincing him to come with them over to Mum and Dad's for dinner, but Loki had declined.

He couldn't. Not now. Not yet. Not after everything else.

Thor had offered to drive him back to his apartment then, and again, Loki had declined, a sudden, deep embarrassment coming over him at the thought of his brother seeing his ratty, tiny flat after having spent the whole night and most of the next day in his and Jane's beautiful, sprawling house.

Thor had insisted then in at least driving him to the bus stop and waiting with him until it came, and Loki hadn't been able to say no to that.

"I'll call you tomorrow." Thor had told him when the bus had come, and he and Loki had hugged one another, Loki promising to pick up when he did.

He sits down on his couch now, placing his plate and glass of water down on the coffee table.

He thinks about turning on the television, just to have some noise fill the space, but decides against it. He isn't even sure why he ever bought the TV. He never watches it.

He should probably just turn in soon, really.

He'd given Darcy and Leah off until after New Years, but he'd planned on keeping the shop open by just himself. He couldn't really afford to have it closed too many days. It barely pulled enough cash in for him to stay afloat. He hadn't told Thor that. The last thing he or his brother needed was more drama, and Loki knows Thor, he would have offered to help, and Loki would have had to tell him no, and then there would have been an argument.

Loki tries not to think about how he also doesn't like to close the shop because when he does, he's really got nothing to do otherwise. No where to really be, no one to see.

Darcy had invited him to come and spend the holiday's with her and her family over in the States, had even offered to pay, but Loki couldn't accept something so generous. Darcy was only working for him to supplement her income as she made her way through University, and he wasn't about to take the money she worked for.

Leah had even invited him to spend time with her and her Mom, but again, Loki had felt awkward and hadn't wanted to impose. Both girls were friends, as much so as Loki had ever been able to call anyone friend. But he just didn't do well with the whole socializing thing. 

People always found him... strange, and he didn't really know how to change that.

He isn't even really hungry, he realizes, as he takes a few bites of his sandwich.

He keeps thinking about Thor, about his kids, about Mum and Dad and all of them together right now, eating dinner and celebrating.

He thinks maybe he shouldn't have turned Thor and Jane down after all. But he doesn't know how that situation would have gone either. Not with Odin there. It was probably better this way, really.

He sits there a little while longer, nibbling on his food, his mind going back and forth, until he can't eat anymore.

He stands, walking back to the kitchen and wrapping the rest of his sandwich up, putting it in the fridge and putting the plate in the sink.

He makes sure to kill the lights before heading into his bedroom, suddenly feeling too tired to do anything more than unbutton his shirt and throw it on the floor before flopping down onto his mattress.

Tired as he is, he still isn't able to fall asleep for nearly an hour afterward.

When he finally does, as always, it is filled with unhappy dreams.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

Loki curses as he drops his incessantly buzzing phone trying to fish it out of his coat pocket while balancing his coffee and keys in the other hand.

It lands with a soft thunk in the snow, still buzzing, the screen lit up, not with Thor's name, like Loki had half expected, but Darcy's.

Loki huffs, his breath misting in the air as he bends down and scoops the phone out of the snow, the wet coldness of it stinging his bare fingers.

It takes several attempts of pressing the answer button before the thing actually does, Loki growling under his breathe in frustration. He hates technology. He hates all these smart device _things_ most of all. He still doesn't know why he let Darcy talk him into replacing his cell phone with one all those months ago. He'd been perfectly happy with his little flip phone. The thing had actually had _buttons_ , for one. That he could actually _press_. And this fucking Starkphone, or whatever the hell it was called, also cost him literally twice as much a month as his old one. And _why_? He still couldn't figure it out. Darcy had spouted off all these incomprehensible things, like data coverage plans, roll over whatever the fuck, internet, blah, blah... Who the hell needed the internet on their phone? It was a _phone_ , for Christ's sake. It was supposed to make phone calls and that was it. At least as far as Loki was concerned.

He couldn't even begin to make sense of all the other weird little icons on the screen. Darcy had been trying to show him how to use a thing she called "aps", but Loki had no clue what she was ever talking about, and frankly, he didn't want to know.

The world was so stupid sometimes.

He finally gets the phone to his ear, sticking the key to his store into the front lock, eager to get out of the cold. It was miserable out, well below freezing, and Loki was already starting to shake uncontrollably from the few blocks he'd had to walk from the bus stop to here.

"What'd you do, drop your phone?" Darcy says before he can even say hello. "Took you long enough to pick up."

"Shut up." Loki tells her, at last getting the door open and stepping inside, an almost overwhelming relief washing over him with the warmth of the place as he shuts the door behind him and sags back against it.

Darcy laughs, clearly having a better time than he is.

"Good mood this morning I see. As usual." She goes on. "I didn't wake you did I?"

"No," Loki answers, needing to dig deep for the motivation to move from where he's standing. "I just got to the store. It's fucking freezing out."

Again Darcy laughs, and Loki can't help his own smile. It's good to hear her voice, actually.

"You're at the store though? Dude, come on, it's the day after Christmas. Isn't that a holiday over there still?"

"Boxing day." Loki tells her flatly.

"Yeah!" She exclaims. "You should be out having fun!"

"Yeah, well..." Loki shrugs, not quite sure how to respond to that. He supposes he should be out doing something less... work related. But he's really got nothing. "How about you?" He asks, putting his stuff down on the front counter, beginning to remove his coat and scarf. "How's the weather over in Chicago?"

"Fucking freezing." Darcy parrots him, and now it's Loki's turn to laugh.

"Of course." He says. "And how about the family? Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Yeah... sort of." She says. "My family is _nuts_ though. I swear, a fight breaks out every five minutes over the stupidest shit."

Loki smirks, switching the phone to his other ear.

"Sounds about normal. I hope you at least got some good presents out of the deal."

"Yes! Oh my God, wait'll you see!" Darcy's voice raises an octave, screechy and tiny over the phone and Loki cringes, pulling it away from his ear for a moment. Darcy keeps talking, oblivious, listing off a number of techy sounding things which Loki had no idea about any of. He just keeps humming in response, knowing that's probably good enough for her. He just hopes she doesn't try to "convert" him like she did with the phone.

"What about you?" She breaks off from listing her haul to ask him suddenly.

"Hmm?" Loki asks, moving around the store, getting it ready for opening, lifting the shades, the front space filling with bright, cold light from the outside, turning the open sign around in the front door window.

"You get any presents, or..." her voice trails off, and she sounds abruptly embarrassed.

He knows why.

He's only known Darcy for a little less than a year, but she already knows he was, at least until yesterday, pretty much estranged from his family. Knows too that he doesn't really date, doesn't really have any friends outside of her and Leah...

Loki doesn't even know why he'd told her so much about himself, beyond just the fact that Darcy was one of those people who never stopped asking questions, and wouldn't stop until she got a satisfactory answer. So he'd told her, more or less, just to shut her up, he guesses. Though maybe that was a little unfair to her too. Darcy, for as obnoxious and pushy as she could be, was also a good and loyal girl, and he knew she would never tell anyone anything he didn't want her to. He could trust her, and, he had to admit to himself afterward, it had felt nice, telling someone the truth, for once. Just having someone to talk to, really.

"That's alright." He tells her gently. "You know me. I usually just stay home." He pauses, wondering suddenly if he should tell her about Thor coming to the shop, inviting him to his and Jane's home for the holiday. He's taken by an abruptly keen desire to tell somebody, an oddly excited flutter spreading in the pit of his stomach. And all at once he's telling her, the words seeming to pour out of him.

"My brother came by the other night. To the shop, I mean. He... he asked me to come spend Christmas with him and his family and I... said yes, for some reason."

He stops, rolling his eyes at himself. Why did he sound like such a stupid child? God...

"Oh my God!" Darcy shouts on the other end, the loudness of her voice against assaulting Loki's ears. "Are you serious!?"

"Ye..." Loki begins to answer, confused by her jubilant reaction.

"Oh my God!" She screams again, and Loki huffs, suddenly irritated. "That's amazing! He actually came to see you? And you spent Christmas with him!? That's so awesome Loki!"

"I'm glad it makes you so happy." Loki tells her, deadpan.

"Whatever dude." She dismisses his sarcasm in the way she always manages to. "I'm serious. That's amazing! You don't know how sad it was making me to think of you spending Christmas all by yourself in that tiny ass apartment of yours."

"Your concern is touching." Loki tells her, ignoring the way her pitying words causes a defensive anger to nearly choke his throat.

He didn't need anyone feeling sorry for him.

"Don't be that way man." She answers. "I just mean I'm happy you talked to your brother. From what you told me it sounds like you two used to be really close, and I just thought it was a shame you two weren't in touch anymore. That's always sad to me."

Loki is quiet for a long moment, not sure what to say.

He decides simply to change the subject, not liking where this whole conversation is suddenly headed.

"When are you coming back do you think?" He asks, moving into the back room and taking a seat at the small table. The one he and Thor had drank Cokes at the other night.

"Miss me that much, huh?" Darcy teases, thankfully seeming to get the hint that Loki wasn't into discussing the deal with his brother anymore.

"Maybe for your ace cleaning skills." Loki teases back. "The shop is slowly being devoured by dust bunnies while you've been gone."

Again, Darcy laughs.

"Dude, you need to get a vacuum cleaner. I've told you."

"What, and have the thing break down after a couple months? I don't think so." Loki answers, leaning back in his seat and throwing an arm across his eyes.

"Not if you got a good one. Like a Dyson. Those things are fucking amazing."

"I can't afford a Dyson. They cost something like three hundred ponds." He tells her.

"But I don't wanna clean your dust bunnies!" Darcy protests, her voice whiny and petulant.

"That sounded wrong." Loki grins, chuckling at the "ew" Darcy makes at the other end. "Besides," he goes on. "what am I paying you for?"

"My charm." She tells him. "You know you suck at talking to people. On the rare occasion someone actually _accidentally_ wonders into your shop, if it weren't for me being there, more than half of 'em would run screaming from the place."

"That's not true..." Loki begins to protest.

"Is so." She cuts him off. "You yell at anyone who doesn't know as much as you about all those dusty old books and the dead fuckers who wrote them. Me included."

"I don't _yell_." Loki insists. "I simply try to correct their ignorance."

"Right," Darcy says, sounding anything but convinced. "either way, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have any sales. That's what you're paying me for."

"... Maybe." Loki concedes after a moment.

He did have to admit, Darcy was a hell of a lot better at talking to the customers than he was. He just didn't know how to do that sort of thing. He never had. Everyone always thought he was being purposefully rude or condescending, when that wasn't it at all. He just wanted people to understand why the books they were holding were special, and he got frustrated when they looked at him like he was crazy or stupid.

Finding Darcy had been one of the luckiest days of his life, he supposes. She'd wandered into the shop shortly after it had opened, and he'd been struggling terribly already, sales lagging, losing money like sand through his fingers. Already fearful that, after all the money he'd saved up and all the planning he'd put into opening the place, he was going to end up having to fold within less than a year.

He'd gotten to talking to her, pleased that she hadn't gotten sick of him after five minutes like most people and simply left, pleased also to discover she knew quite a bit about antique books and texts. More than the average person, certainly. And bad as Loki was at knowing how to talk to people, he'd never failed at being able to recognize when someone else was especially good at it. It was something he'd always admired and wished he had. Thor had had it since the time he was a child, and Loki had used to feel so jealous of the way he could just put people at ease and make them like him.

He doesn't know what had possessed him then, talking to Darcy that day, but he'd just sort of blurted out, asking if she would be interested in a job.

She'd looked at him with a sort of shocked expression on her face, he remembers. Remembers too thinking that he'd somehow fucked up, again, and started tripping all over himself trying to explain, and then apologize, sure that she was going to flip him off or something and storm out of the shop, never to be seen or heard from again.

Only then she'd asked him if he was kidding, because she'd been looking all over the place for a job, but no where she looked had any positions available, and she was desperately in need of some cash to help sustain her living situation while she was at University.

Loki had told her he was serious, but had warned her that he wouldn't be able to pay her a lot. She hadn't seemed to care, as long as it was something.

He'd ended up giving her a job that day, and within a week of her coming on, he'd seen his sales begin to turn around dramatically. He still wasn't really competing with any of the major book chains, or online places like amazon. But it was enough to support himself and keep the store open.

His only other employee was Leah, and the story with her was different.

He had met Leah while he'd been at University. She'd been older than him, like everyone there. Seventeen to his thirteen at the time. They'd been taking some of the same literary courses, and also had had advanced calculus together. After a while, they'd ended up becoming study partners, and then friends, in a way.

Leah was a fascinating girl, well, woman, Loki supposes he should call her now. A lot of people would accuse her of being mean and having little sense of humor, but Loki had liked her the moment he met her. She was smart, and beautiful, and, Loki wouldn't delude himself over the fact that part of the reason he liked her was because she'd always been, beneath her sometimes abrasive and standoffish attitude, kind to him.

Loki had never felt more out of place or alone when he'd entered Cambridge. He'd been the youngest person at the school. Subsequently, nobody had been interested in talking to him, or being friends with him. Not that Loki could blame them. They were all young adults, and when he'd first gotten there, he was still a prepubescent boy. It didn't take a genius level intellect either to realize the other students felt some amount of resentment towards him. Most of them had worked their assess off to get into such a fine university. So had he, but they probably looked at him and saw an upstart wunderkind, someone who'd just breezed passed the exams and gotten in without any, real effort.

That, and Loki had just been brutally awkward. He still was, in a lot of ways. But back then, it had been _really_ bad. He'd been almost paralyzingly shy and withdrawn. He remembers never having the courage to look anyone in the eye, remembers people always telling him, their voices laced with impatience and annoyance, to "speak up".

It had been hard. And then he'd met Leah, and she'd actually talked to him, actually been friendly, in her own, certain way. Had actually treated him like an _equal_. Not just some annoying brat. She'd been happy to let him help her on her course work whenever she'd been having difficulty with it, showing none of the jealousy or contempt that so many of the other students did.

She'd been, in a way, like his guardian angel too. Nobody had fucked with him when Leah was around. When she wasn't, the other students would pick on him, and there really hadn't been anything Loki could do about it. He talked back, sometimes, because when Loki's temper got going, it really got going. But that always just wound up getting him in more trouble. The bullying would escalate from them sticking "kick me" signs on his back, slapping him in the back of the head, calling him stupid, immature names, to actually hitting him, and hitting him _hard_. He'd wound up with more bloody noses and black eyes than he could remember.

But when he was with Leah, people always tended to back off. She'd been an intimidating presence. Had always had an air of deep maturity and sophistication about her, had seemed like a grown woman, even as a teenager. More than a few times, she'd smacked people around for him, and Loki had always only been able to stand back in awe, feeling himself intimidated and slightly afraid. She'd never have beat him up, he knew, but still. She'd been taller than him then, and a lot stronger.

She pretended a lot of the time that she couldn't stand him, even still. Told him often how much she hated him. But that was just how Leah was. _That_ was her sense of humor. Most people didn't get it. Loki did. Maybe that was why she actually liked him. Why she stuck around and continued to be his friend.

They'd kept in touch after University, and when Loki had finally scrounged enough of his savings together to open the store, he'd asked her if she wanted to work for him. She'd said yes, and so she'd ended up being his first and, for a while, only employee. Always being a whiz at math, Loki had tasked her with basically keeping the books and budget, which had given him a lot more free time to actually manage the store and its merchandise. Antique books were a specialty item, to say the least, and it took a lot of time and consideration just to determine what the stock should be. He couldn't blow his budget on too many items which just weren't going to sell, no matter how much he may have, personally, loved them. But he'd also wanted and needed a wide and eclectic variety. The greater your selection, he knew, the more people you could appeal to.

That had left him with being the main sales person too though, which, again, not so good with people, and Leah really wasn't much better.

Darcy had been a Godsend, in a way.

He hears her giggling on the other end now.

"I'll take that maybe." She says. "Anyway, I'll be back on the 30th. If you need me to come in before the New Year, that's fine."

Loki shakes his head.

"No, that's alright." He tells her. "Things have been quiet after the Christmas rush, so I think I can pretty much hold down the fort for a while."

"... Alright." Darcy says after a moment, sounding hesitant. "But I might come by anyway. Just to annoy you."

"Of course." Loki says back. He waits a moment, biting his lip. "I look forward to seeing you again." He finally breathes, pushing past his own awkwardness.

"I look forward to seeing you too squirt." Darcy laughs, easy and outgoing. Loki feels envious of her sometimes, wishing he could be the same way. "Don't work too hard in the meantime." She goes on. "Remember, it's your store, so you can close down whenever you want and, I don't know, go for a walk. Go bird watching. Something."

"Ha ha. I'll remember that." Loki says back.

"Seriously." She says. "And stay in touch with your brother. That's good for you Loki."

"Yes Mother." Loki answers, rolling his eyes.

"Alright. I'll call you again tomorrow maybe." Darcy says. "Bye."

"Bye." He says, and a moment later he hears the line go silent.

He pulls the phone away from his ear, staring at the screen for a moment, sighing deeply to himself.

He really is looking forward to seeing her again. Annoying as she is. Leah too.

The shop feels empty without them. Lonely.

He doubts anyone's going to come in today. Maybe he'll actually take Darcy's advice and close it down, go somewhere, do something different.

Thor's supposed to call. The big lunk's probably still in bed. It's just barely eight in the morning.

 _Maybe I'll call him_ , Loki thinks. Maybe they can go somewhere together.

He thinks suddenly of the ice skating rink near where he is, and he can't help the smile which tugs at his lips at the thought. That could be fun. God, he and Thor hadn't been ice skating together in so long, but they'd always used to do it when they'd been kids. They'd been good at it. Both of them. He remembers how people had used to stop and just watch them.

Hell, he wouldn't even mind if Thor wanted to bring Jane and the kids along. It could be fun. If Thor hadn't shown Modi and Magni how to skate yet, maybe he could.

He only has to think about it a few moments longer before his mind's made up and he stands, heading back out into the front of the store, grabbing up his coat and scarf.

By the time he's pulling the door behind him and locking it back up, he's already got Thor's number dialed, the phone pressed back to his ear, waiting for his brother to answer on the other end.

/

 **AN: Thank you to everyone for your wonderful reception so far with this story! I hope you continue to enjoy!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

"I'd love to!" Thor says, and Loki feels an almost crushing relief. He hadn't even realized until Thor said yes that he'd been dreading his saying no. Dreading the embarrassment he would feel if his brother had told him he couldn't. "I just have to wrap a few things up here at Mum and Dad's. Is half an hour okay?"

"Yeah, that... that's great." Loki answers, smiling. "That's perfect. Do... do Jane and the kids want to come along, or...?"

"Well, they were actually going to go out and spend the morning with Mum and Dad. I was too, but..."

"Oh..." Loki says. "that's... okay. I mean..."

"I could ask them all to come along," Thor starts. "but I didn't know if you... if that would be alright."

Loki bites his lip, hesitating.

It would be nice... God, it would be nice to see Mum again. He'd met with her only a handful of times since they'd all fallen out those years ago, and the tension during those meetings had always been palpable and uncomfortable. Mum begging him to forgive all of them, to come back, Loki holding stubbornly onto his pride and dignity, refusing her each time.

But the thought of seeing Odin again has Loki's stomach churning in sudden, nauseating anxiety. They hadn't spoken at all in those five years, and the last time they had had been ugly and awful. Just thinking about that final fight between them left Loki, at times, literally trembling with fear and anger in equal measure.

He'd never seen his father so enraged.

Loki had been distraught after he'd found the papers, locked away in Odin's desk in his study. He remembers the whole thing like it had been yesterday. He'd been looking for money, he remembers. Christ, things had already started going bad between him and Odin, even before then. Well before then. Nothing had ever been good enough for his father. Not where Loki was concerned. That was how it had felt, anyway. Odin was always telling him to do better, to act different, to _be_ different. After Loki had graduated Cambridge at fourteen, he'd been too young still to go out into the world and start a life of his own, like most graduating students, and so he'd ended up still living at home with his parents for several years. Thor had been long gone by then, living on his own for a long time, and then he and Jane had moved in together.

All of that had led to Odin's attention shifting from Thor to almost entirely onto him. But where Thor had been able to do no wrong in Dad's eyes, always making him proud, always boasting about his incredible first son to anyone who would listen, Loki had been the opposite. Always a disappointment, always an embarrassment. From Loki's chosen field of study at University, Odin had wanted him to go into law or medicine, like Thor, or barring that, journalism, to at least be practical, but Loki had wanted to study the arts, fiction writing and painting and music, and he had.

"You're never going to be able to support yourself with a major like that." He had used to say, and Loki had told him again and again that he didn't care. That it was what he loved, it was his passion, and Odin would scoff, rolling his eyes. Loki still doesn't know if his father ever understood how much it hurt him, when he did that.

"You're wrong boy, if you think I'm going to keep bailing you out every time you run into money troubles." Odin would then argue, and still, Loki would tell him he didn't care, and that he shouldn't worry, because as soon as he was old enough, he was going to be out of his life forever anyway.

Near the end, the both of them had been fighting almost every day, the situation at home becoming insupportable. Mum would try to intervene, to sooth things between them, but there had only been so much she could do. They'd been at each others throats, and it had grown to the point that Loki hadn't had any desire to see or talk to his father at all. That was why he'd been snooping around where he wasn't supposed to be, looking for money, too afraid, and too proud, to ask Odin or even Mum directly for cash.

He'd found the papers, and his already precarious existence has come undone at the seams.

Loki remembers it feeling like he couldn't breathe, as every fear and suspicion and insecurity he'd ever had was suddenly confirmed. It had been like a curtain lifting, a harsh, blinding light revealed beneath. He wasn't Mum and Dad's son. Not really. Just some unwanted, abandoned bastard, found half dead in the midst of winter, out on the street. The son of a notorious, twisted criminal named Laufey, a murderer and drug lord who'd somehow always managed to slip through the hands of the police. Nobody knew who his mother was. Speculation that she'd either been one of Laufey's many mistresses, or just some street hooker who'd given birth to him in some back alley and then left him for dead.

Loki had understood then with brutal clarity why it was Odin had never, really loved him. Not like he did Thor. Understood that Mum's love, while he still hadn't been able to bring himself to doubt it, had been born from pity and sympathy, not pride, not a mother's pure, unquestioning love for her child.

He'd confronted them about it not long afterward, confused and frightened and reeling with hurt. He didn't understand how they could be so cruel, how they could _lie_ to him like that for his entire life. He remembered being small, his differences already glaringly obvious, the way he just simply didn't fit in, and asking them both why that was, asking them if he was really their son, when all the other children always told him he wasn't. They'd told him of course he was, told him it was a silly question, reassured him again and again he belonged to them, was as much a part of their family as Thor. They'd _lied_. Right to his face. And Loki, pathetic, idiot child that he was, had believed them. Every time.

Mum had been crying, he remembers, trying to explain and not being able, and Dad... Dad had lost his temper, just like Loki, had started accusing him of ingratitude, calling him a selfish, petulant child. Loki had only gotten angrier. He remembers his eyes burning and blinding with tears, the heat of them rolling down his face, twisted in rage, even as he'd felt his world crumbling around him, an empty hole sitting in the middle of his chest.

And then Thor had walked in, had told Loki to calm down, had told him he was overreacting, and Loki...

That had been like the worst betrayal of all. Because if Thor, _Thor_ , his best and only friend, couldn't understand, then who would?

And that had been it.

Loki had left. He packed nothing but a backpack full of clothes and some books, and he'd gone.

Those first few years on his own had been _hard_. Loki had never been on his own like that before, had never had to support himself like that. He'd grown up in luxury, Mum and Dad both wealthy, and he'd reaped the benefits of that. He hadn't been ready, not even close, for the harsh realities of fending for himself.

He hadn't told Thor, still too humiliated to admit it, but for the first couple years, he'd worked as a janitor, cleaning small offices and homes. Cleaning the shit out of people's toilets. Dad had been right, of course. Nobody had been interested in his classics degree. Nobody had wanted to hire him. He'd been living out of dirt cheap motel rooms, the only places he could afford then. He'd even... God, he'd even had to spend a few weeks at a homeless shelter, at the very beginning.

There'd been a lot of nights with him crying himself to sleep. A lot of nights where he'd almost given in, thinking seriously about crawling back home and begging for Dad's forgiveness. He'd been ready to do it the night he'd gotten jumped by a group of teenagers. They'd beaten him up and stolen all his clothes, including his shoes, leaving him a bloody, sobbing, sniveling mess on the street. That had almost done it. He'd almost given up then.

He still isn't sure why he hadn't.

Eventually, things had gotten a little better, after he'd landed a job editing a small, local paper, and with the money he'd managed to save from that, along with from his other, horrible jobs, he'd been able to open his book shop, with, of course, a loan from a bank. He was in so much debt still, he was practically drowning in it.

That was something Thor didn't need to know either.

"Maybe it should just be you for now." Loki eventually answers. He doesn't think he can handle seeing Odin. Not yet. He hopes Thor isn't mad.

"Okay." Thor tells him, and again, Loki sags with relief. "I'll just go tell everyone I'm meeting you, and see you in thirty?"

"Okay." Loki says.

"Did you want to talk to Mum for a minute?" Thor asks suddenly. "She says she wants to say hi."

Loki hesitates a moment, his fingers reflexively gripping harder over his phone.

"... Alright." He concedes finally. He knows he shouldn't neglect her. It isn't right.

There's a few, noisy seconds of shuffling on the other end, and then he hears Mum's sweet voice over the line.

"Hi sweetheart." She greets warmly.

"Hi Mum." He answers back.

"Thor told me about yesterday. That you spent Christmas with him and Jane and the boys."

"... Yeah."

"Oh, darling, I'm so happy." She says, and Loki can hear her struggling not to cry.

He looks down, a feeling of awful shame heating his face.

"You don't know how happy it makes me."

Loki fidgets, pushing a hand through his hair.

"... He came by the store the night before last." He finally answers, voice quiet. "He invited me over, ya know."

"He told me." Mum answers. "Oh Loki, I'm so glad. I wish you'd have come over last night for dinner."

Loki isn't sure what to say to that. He doesn't want to hurt Mum's feelings, but he doesn't particularly want to lie to her either.

"I know." He says. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright honey." She reassures. "We'll see each other, soon I hope."

"Yeah." Loki trails off, uncomfortable and guilty feeling.

"Have you been taking care of yourself?" She goes on. "You've been eating?"

"Yes. Please Mum, don't worry." He tells her.

"Thor said you looked thin." She says, sounding worried, and Loki rolls his eyes.

"I always look thin." He tells her. "That's just the way I'm built Mum. You know that."

"I also know you tend to neglect yourself. You get so caught up in things you forget basic functions necessary to staying alive sweetheart." She half laughs, but Loki can hear the genuine concern in her voice still.

She wasn't wrong.

He had always had that problem. He would get so caught up in his thoughts or in whatever he was doing, reading, writing, studying, he would often forget to eat, or sleep, or even to go to the bathroom.

He sighs.

"Well, now Thor's coming around, you can depend on him to nag me." He tells her lightly, hoping to ease her worry. "He's almost as bad as you are."

"That's true." She says. "I'll remind him to stay on you about it. How's the shop?"

She and Loki talk a few minutes longer as he tells her about the business. Typically, she asks if he's been seeing anyone, and typically he tells her no. She tells him Odin is doing fine, even though he hadn't asked.

Eventually, she puts Thor back on, and his brother tells him he's going to be leaving for the rink in a few minutes, double checking on the location.

Loki is just reaching the rink himself by the time they get off.

This early in the morning, there aren't that many people around, thankfully. He goes up to the counter and rents skates for both he and Thor.

After that, it's just a matter of waiting.

/

His brother is half an hour late.

Loki had been on the verge of calling the whole thing off, his temper mounting as the minutes ticked by, an awful feeling of humiliation creeping up close on its heels.

By the time he spots Thor, coming up the sidewalk, walking hurriedly, Loki is shaking, both from anger and the cold air.

He stands as Thor reaches the gate, his hands clenched in fists inside his pockets. Before he can say anything, Thor is apologizing profusely, already giving an explanation.

"I am _so_ sorry, Loki." He says, his hands lifting. "We had some problems with the kids. They wanted to know where I was going, and I told them I was coming to meet you, and then they wanted to come along, but we'd already made plans for them to go with Mum and Dad, and I know you said it should just be me to come along, so I ended up having to explain to them why they couldn't come with me, and it took a lot longer than I thought it would. Loki, I'm _really_ sorry, God, I hope you haven't been sitting here this whole time."

Loki blinks, taken aback by the sudden splurge of information.

"... Okay." He finally says after a moment, his voice flat.

Thor heaves a sigh, his great shoulders sagging in plain relief.

"You aren't angry?" He asks, and just like that, just like always with Thor, it seems, Loki suddenly feels _bad_ for ever being angry in the first place.

He shakes his head wordlessly, and an instant later, Thor is coming in through the gate, striding towards him, and suddenly Loki finds himself in a bone crushing hug, Thor practically lifting him off the ground as he holds him against his chest.

"Thor..." Loki gasps out, his own hands finding his brothers shoulders, shoving uselessly at them. His ribs feel like they're being ground into dust. "Thor, I can't breathe..."

That seems to snap Thor out of his overwhelming display of affection, and he places Loki back on the ground, his powerful arms mercifully loosening. He looks at once sheepish.

"I'm sorry." He says. He looks at Loki carefully, a deep frown pulling at the corners of his lips then. "Brother, you're shivering."

Before Loki can respond, Thor is reaching out, grabbing hold of one of his hands. The warmth of his brother's hand against his own, cold skin is shocking, and Loki nearly gasps at the contact.

"Christ, Loki, you're freezing. How long have you been sitting out here?"

Almost an hour, Loki thinks.

"Loki, why didn't you go inside?" Thor presses, covering his hand with both of his, trying to rub warmth into them.

Oh... that was right. There was a small standalone structure which was a part of the rink, where you could get changed and just use generally to warm up.

Loki doesn't know why he hadn't even thought to go in.

He just stares back at Thor, not able to come up with an answer.

"Oh, Loki." Thor says, and as abruptly as his anger went, Loki feels it return.

"What?" He snaps, pulling his hand out of Thor's. "I'm fine. Don't talk to me like that Thor."

Thor's mouth opens, like he's about to respond, and then an expression washes over his face, one that looks only more like pity, and Loki turns away, disgusted. More at himself than anything.

"I'm fine." He repeats weakly, and he hears Thor breathe in.

"... Okay." His brother says after a moment, sounding defeated. "Can we... can we go inside for a little bit? It's cold out here and I'd... I'd like to warm up some before we go out on the ice."

That's Thor, Loki thinks miserably. That's Thor trying to be kind. Pretending like he's the one who's cold, because he knows how much his younger brother hates to be pitied, but he can't help trying to protect him anyway.

"Yeah... alright." Loki agrees anyway, because he knows it will at least make Thor feel better.

Once inside though, he has to admit, at least privately, that the heating gives him an almost instant relief. He hadn't even realized how cold he actually was until he stepped inside the building and had been blasted in the face with warm air.

He finds a chair and slumps down into it, keeping his eyes fixed on the carpeted flooring, not looking up at Thor as his brother takes the seat beside him.

They sit in awkward silence for long minutes then, Loki rubbing his hands together, wrapping his arms round himself, trying to warm up. He forces himself not to say anything.

"Loki..." Thor finally starts, and that sets him off.

"I've been able to take care of myself for five years Thor." He says, and he can't quite keep the edge out of his voice. "I don't need you babying me anymore."

Thor doesn't say anything for several seconds, and Loki can't help glancing over at him, seeing his brother sitting with his hands clasped, staring at the floor.

"... I know." Thor finally says, his usually booming voice quiet. "I'm sorry. I just... I worry about you Loki. I always have."

"You don't need to..." Loki begins to protest, but Thor cuts him off, shaking his head.

"I do. Loki..." Thor turns, looking at him, his features lined in naked pain. "you're my little brother Loki. And you've never... you've always forgotten to take care of yourself. You've always had that tendency. And I know you've managed okay... _more_ than okay, on your own for years now, but... Loki, I can't explain to you how worried I've been all this time. I've thought about you every day, scared where you were, how you were. The only one who knew anything was Mum, and she... she wouldn't ever tell me or Dad much because she said you didn't want her to. I was so scared all the time..."

"Then why did you wait so long?" Loki says, more unkindly than he'd intended. He feels bad at the hurt expression which flits across his brother's face.

"Because I'm a coward." Thor says plainly. "I was afraid you'd turn me away, wouldn't want anything to do with me..."

Loki looks away, guilt suddenly like a lead weight in his belly.

"... I wouldn't have." He says, almost too softly to hear.

"And I know that now." Thor continues. "And that just makes me feel like more of a coward, because I wasted all that time..."

"You aren't a coward Thor." Loki says, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground. "I didn't try to see you either. I didn't exactly encourage you."

"But don't you see Loki?" Thor insists, his voice almost pleading. "I'm you're older brother. I'm supposed to take care of you. And I didn't. It was my responsibility and I failed at that. And when I find you like this, sitting out in the cold, shivering, forgetting that you can go inside where it's warm, I'm just... it reminds me of that failure. I'm supposed to protect you, and I haven't been."

Loki's jaw clenches, his eyes suddenly stinging painfully, his throat tight.

God, what is _wrong_ with him? Why does he keep doing this.

He feels embarrassed and shameful. Pathetic.

Thor is right.

It seems like he barely _can_ take care of himself. It's always been this way, since he was a boy, and he never had any friends.

Instead the other kids is school would pick on him, call him names and beat him up, and he would need his big brother to come and save him.

It must look so pitiful to Thor, seeing him like this still. Seeing him like a child, a fucking _stupid_ child who didn't even understand how to keep from freezing to death.

All the while Thor himself was the definition of successful adulthood. His own family, a beautiful wife and two amazing children, his own, gorgeous house, a high paying position in Odin's law firm.

By comparison, Loki's life was an unmitigated failure. _He_ was an unmitigated failure. His store was struggling. That was putting the truth of the matter lightly. If it went under, he was going to be left in massive debt with no way to pay it off, and no future prospects.

He'd dreamed of owning his own business for a long time, dealing in something he actually cared about. And, he supposes, he'd achieved that to an extent. Maintaining it, though, that was harder than he'd ever imagined it being.

He couldn't tell Thor that though. He knew his brother would try to intervene, and then he would tell Mum and then Dad, and then Loki would only seem an even greater disappointment to all of them.

He swallows thickly, trying to shove the sick emotion back down, forcing the tears threatening at the backs of his eyes away. He shakes his head.

"I'm alright Thor." He manages to say. "You don't... you don't have to keep worrying about me."

The words sound unconvincing, even to his own ears.

Thor doesn't say anything for a long while then. Loki turns his face away, and he thinks his brother must be angry with him.

But then he feels Thor's arm slide around his shoulders, and Loki can't help the way he sinks beneath the comforting weight of it, the way he falls against Thor's side. The way his brother's warmth, the solidness of him makes him feel safe.

He closes his eyes, and Thor's arms pulls tighter around him.

"I love you Loki." He says.

Loki swallows, and he turns his face, pressing it against his brother's chest.

"I love you too Thor." He says. But it's so soft, he isn't at all sure Thor had even heard it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

Leah can't even say she's surprised when she opens the front door of her flat and finds Loki sitting outside it, his back against the wall, his face pressed against the tops of his bony knees.

She sighs, stepping out into the hallway.

Loki doesn't say anything, but he doesn't really need to. The kid's never known how to just ask for help. She hopes he hasn't been sitting out here for hours.

She's scheduled to go back to work for him tomorrow. Darcy not until the day after that. She'd called him once on Christmas Eve to see how he was doing. Loki predictably had told her everything was fine, but she had been able to hear the dullness in his voice which told her maybe it wasn't. She'd made one last ditch effort to invite him over to spend Christmas with her and her Mum, but he'd declined, again, telling her not to worry. A little hard, she'd thought with frustration, when she knew he was probably going to hole up in the shop, trying to distract himself with work from the fact that he was alone on a day when everyone else was with their family.

Loki worried her. He'd always worried her.

"What's going on?" She asks him, crossing her arms over her chest and looking down at him.

Long seconds pass before she hears his muffled voice mutter out.

"... Nothing."

Leah rolls her eyes.

"Right." She says. "That's why you're sitting outside my flat, curled up into a ball. Loki..." She sighs, exasperated. "why didn't you knock? You know I would have let you in."

"... I didn't want to bother you." He answers, still keeping his face hidden.

"You're bothering me now by not telling me what's wrong." She tells him flatly, feeling torn.

He's been crying, she thinks, hearing the roughness of his voice. She's never known what to do with that. Never felt comfortable providing... comfort. But she'd never been able to ignore the way it weighed on her heart, to see him like this.

Loki's always been this way, since the time she first met him at University.

Toughest little kid she'd ever known. Strong, proud, wouldn't give up for anything, wouldn't back down, even when he had no chance. But oddly, contradictorally sensitive. He cried so easily, was always so easily hurt. And he always tried to hide it. Tried to act like nothing bothered him, when in truth, almost everything touched him, in some way or other.

She'd seen him stand up to bullies, seen him push past his initial shyness to tell them off when they wouldn't leave him alone. Seen him get up off the ground when, inevitably, they'd hit him, and tell them off again.

Later she'd find him hiding in his room, crying desperately to himself.

Ten years later, nothing had really changed. He was still very much the same little boy she'd first known.

Emotional, and bad at dealing with those emotions. Shockingly intelligent, funny, cynical, prone to depression, quick to anger. But underneath all of that, above everything, Leah knew, Loki had a kind and generous heart, and wanted, more than anything, to do the right thing. He had, she thought, an unhealthy need to please people, a wish to know they thought well of him.

He was a good kid, despite how hard she knew he always was on himself.

She'd been his only friend at university, and remembers distinctly how often he had talked of his family, and how much he had missed them. Particularly his older brother, Thor. Loki had worshiped him, Leah recalls, had looked up to him, almost as a hero.

By the time she'd found out about his falling out with all of them, Loki had already suffered weeks of homelessness.

A few days after she'd talked to his mother, she'd gotten a knock on her apartment door, and when she'd opened it, Loki had been standing there, practically naked and beaten to hell, his arms wrapped round his skinny torso, face and body bloody and bruised, shivering uncontrollably with nothing but his underwear on.

Leah doesn't think she'd ever felt more afraid in her entire life. Not even when her father had left her and her mother when she'd been a kid.

She'd immediately ushered Loki inside, horrified, demanding to know what had happened, even as she'd marched him to her bathroom and sat him down on the toilet, looking frantically for her first aide kit.

Getting him to tell her had been like pulling teeth, but eventually he'd admitted that he'd been living on the streets for the past two weeks, and that earlier that evening, three other guys had jumped him and beaten him up, stealing his clothes and leaving him half conscious in an abandoned alleyway.

He'd come to her, he said, because he didn't know where else to go.

Leah had ridden Loki's case for weeks after that about why he hadn't thought he could just come to her immediately after running away from home.

Strange kid. Stupid kid, Leah sometimes thought. Too damn proud.

He might be the smartest person she'd ever known, but he didn't know anything about surviving out in the world. Book smart versus street smart, is what they called it. Loki had no street smarts. He'd been too sheltered all his life, and socially awkward on top of it.

He was always letting his mouth get him into trouble. And people were rotten. They didn't care if they were picking on someone half their size and who couldn't defend themselves. The number of times she'd found guys beating up on him, guys that must have outweighed the kid by a good thirty, forty, fifty pounds, she can't even readily recall.

When Leah had first met and befriended him, she'd thought for a long time that she was doing so out of pity. After all, he was a lot younger than her, and what real interest would a girl like her have in a little kid like that? She just felt bad for him, she'd reasoned, the way he was always by himself, the way the other student's picked on him. At least the shitty ones. She'd been lying to herself, of course. She'd realized that a long time ago.

Loki could be infuriating with his pride and his tendency to isolate and his easily hurt emotions. But he was also an amazing person. Brilliant and passionate and talented, and so incredibly, really heartbreakingly loyal. Leah had never had a friend like him. Never had anyone outside of her mum care about her the way Loki did. She felt on a daily basis that he would give his life for her in a second, if that was what he had to do. He'd gotten smacked around and beaten up plenty of times already for standing up for her whenever some guy made a rude or ugly remark.

That was always so horrible, watching him get hurt for her. She'd tried telling him to stop, that she didn't need him to defend her. But he always did, even knowing what would most likely happen. That was the other thing. Just how brave Loki was. He wasn't fearless. He was scared of a lot of things. But he never let that fear stop him, and that was what made it so incredible.

Making it all worse was the fact that he'd had a crush on her since he was a boy, and he didn't even fucking seem to know it.

If she had a dollar for every time she'd caught him staring at her with dreamy eyes, she'd be as rich as his family was. But there was that social awkwardness again. Loki could be unbelievably blunt and in your face, and then turn around and by cripplingly shy. He didn't have the first clue as how to talk to girls. She'd attempted to encourage him in that direction a few times, trying to bolster his confidence whenever he happened to mention to her that he found this girl or that girl cute. She would tell him to go and talk to her, introduce himself, and what was the worst that could happen.

Apparently, Leah underestimated just how bad it could be.

Loki was a dork, sure. But a lot of girls liked dorks. And once they got past that shyness and the oddity of him, they'd find a really great guy.

But the few times Loki had actually built up the courage to talk to a girl, it had either ended with her laughing in his face or sneering at him for actually daring to pollute her air with his presence.

Leah didn't get it.

Loki was a good looking man. Tall, with sharp, strong features, beautiful white skin and hair as equally black to set it off. Not to mention eyes so vividly green, they seemed almost to glow.

She couldn't lie to herself even that she found him very attractive. Once you got to know him, that attraction only grew deeper.

The only reason she hadn't encouraged or reciprocated his crush on her was that, well... it felt strange. She'd met Loki was he was thirteen years old, and he'd always been to her like a little brother.

Still, she wished he could find somebody. If for no other reason than to know somebody would be there to take care of him when she couldn't. It was stressing her already stressed out life more, not knowing when Loki might show up unannounced at her place, and what kind of condition he might be in.

She sighs when she realizes he isn't going to answer her, continuing to sit there with his face hiding against his knees.

"Come on then." She finally says, reaching down and taking hold of his arm, tugging on it.

Luckily he seems to get the memo, pushing himself up onto his feet, towering, as he does now, over her. He keeps his face turned down, and she can't not notice the way he sways a moment where he stands before her arm around his elbow steadies him.

She looks at him carefully, angling under him to get a better look at his face, and sees for the first time how pale he is, his skin covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Predictably, his eyes are bloodshot from crying.

"What's wrong with you?" She asks bluntly, even as she maneuver's him into her apartment, kicking the door closed with her foot and leading him towards her ratty couch.

She pushes him down onto it, sitting herself down in front of him on her coffee table.

He flinches back when she tries to press her palm against his forehead, but she only bats his hands out of the way and does what she wants.

"Christ Loki, you're burning up." She says, shocked dismay hitting her hard at the obvious fever he's running.

"I'm alright." He mutters, pulling his head away from her hand.

"Shut up. No you aren't." She says, angry. What the hell had he been doing? Rolling around in the snow. "I swear to God Loki, I leave you alone for a few days, and you show up on my doorstep practically dying."

"I'm not dying." He protests weakly, though a moment later she sees his already glassy eyes fill suddenly with tears, spilling over in an instant, down his cheeks.

He wipes at them, plainly embarrassed, and she realizes he's begun to shiver.

"Wait here." She tells him. "I'm getting a thermometer."

She pushes herself up and makes quickly for her bathroom, shaking her head.

She didn't know what to do with this kid. If his fever was high enough, she was going to have to take him to hospital.

As she's rummaging through her drawers, looking for the thermometer, she thinks about all the times she's noticed that raggedy, thin coat Loki wears all the time. About the way it couldn't possibly be doing anything to actually keep him warm, especially in the dead of winter in London, when it got absolutely freezing. He was always walking around in old clothes, worn out shoes which water soaked through, into his socks, his arms wrapped around his painfully thin body. The way he always insisted on walking to and from work, not wanting to "waste" his money on cab fare. She'd finally convinced him to start taking the bus, at least. But the nearest stop was a couple blocks away, and in this weather, even that was dangerous.

Honestly, she's amazed he hasn't gotten deathly ill before now, with the way he treats himself.

Finally she finds what she's looking for. On the way back to the living room, she goes into her bedroom and grabs the wool blanket off her bed.

"Here, take your jacket and shirt off and put this around yourself." She orders as she drops the blanket on the couch next to him and begins taking the thermometer out of its case.

Loki looks up at her, seeming, for a moment, to hesitate.

"I've seen you naked before Lo." She says flatly. "What the hell are you embarrassed for?"

He looks away, muttering something too low for her to make out, but begins to do as she asked, unzipping that shitty jacket of his and taking it off, following a moment later with unbuttoning his dress shirt, pulling the hem out from his pants and dropping it on top of his jacket. He's still wearing an undershirt.

"That too." She says, seeing that it's soaked through with sweat.

Again he hesitates a moment, before finally pulling it off over his head.

He reaches quickly for the blanket to cover himself with, but not before Leah gets a good look at just how thin he is, ribs poking out too prominently against his skin, stomach sunken in, collarbone obvious. He looks like he hasn't eaten in weeks.

She shakes her head, more sad than anything. She's talked with him about this before. She's talked with him about a lot of things before.

Getting him to actually take better care of himself isn't so easy.

"Open." She says when the thermometer is ready, and reluctantly, he does as he's told. She shoves the instrument in under his tongue. "Close." She orders again. "And don't shift it around. Keep as still as you can until I say otherwise."

Loki doesn't even give her an eye roll, as is customary with him. Probably feeling too horrible, she thinks, to even muster the strength for that. Instead he just blinks, and more of those tears roll down his face.

She fucking hates this.

She hates how much pain he's in, all the time. Hates how, if he's sick enough, he isn't going to be able to run the shop until he gets better, which is only going to stress him out more, the both of them knowing how badly it's struggling to just break even each month. She'll take over duties for him, of course, along with Darcy. But Loki really doesn't have much in his life beyond running that book shop, and when he doesn't have work to distract him, his thoughts can turn dangerous.

She hates how she doesn't know from day to day if he's going to be okay.

Loki huddles in on himself, holding the blanket round his shoulders, his shivering growing more pronounced.

Leah takes the thermometer from his mouth after a minute, checking it.

101.3. Shit.

She shakes her head again.

"Loki, I should take you to hospital." She says. "You've got a bad fever."

Loki's face almost seems to crumple at the suggestion, and he shakes his head.

"No." He says, almost begs. "Leah, please. I don't want to go to hospital. Please, I just... I'll be alright. I'm alright."

"Lo, you're running a temperature of 101.3. That's dangerous."

"I'm alright. Please, please Leah."

She has to stop herself from growling in frustration, or giving into her desire to grab hold of him to try and shake some sense into that stubborn brain of his.

"Loki, if you don't want me to take you to the ER, then why the hell did you come here in the first place? How long have you been like this? And what the hell did you do to get so sick in the first place?"

Loki looks away from her then, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. For a long moment, he doesn't say anything, and Leah feels about an inch away from tearing her own hair out.

"I just... I didn't want to be alone right now." He says, so softly she barely catches him.

Leah stares at him, and despite her anger, she feels her heart sink.

"You didn't walk here from your apartment, did you?" She asks, dreading the answer. Fuck, if he'd have just called her, she would have come and picked him up.

His silence to the question is all the answer she needs.

"For Christ's sake, Loki. _Why_? You live at least eight kilometers from me. Are you trying to kill yourself? It's got to be twenty degrees out, maybe less."

"I was sick before I started walking..." he mumbles, like that makes it better.

"You were sick _before_ you started walking? Loki, I don't... even know what to say to that. How did you think that would be a good idea if you were already sick?"

"I don't know." He answers miserably, sounding like some little kid who had gotten caught stealing. "I didn't think, I guess. I just didn't want to be alone."

Leah closes her eyes, pushing her hands back through her long, black hair, breathing in deeply.

Just stay calm, she tells herself. Don't get mad.

She makes herself sit back down on the coffee table, putting herself on an even level with him.

"Lo, tell me what's going on." She entreats. "I won't take you to hospital unless the fever gets worse. But you have to talk to me."

Loki continues to sit there for long seconds, saying nothing, tears still falling silently from his eyes.

"My brother came to see me." He finally says, his voice rough.

Leah sits up straighter, surprised.

She hadn't been expecting that, at all.

"Your brother. You mean Thor?"

Loki nods, keeping his eyes from her.

"When was that?" She asks, both curious and worried.

Loki never spoke about his family anymore. Not to her. Not to Darcy. Not to anyone. And Leah wasn't stupid enough to try and bring it up with him.

"Christmas eve." Loki says softly. "He... he came to the shop. Invited me to spend the night with his family. His wife and kids."

"... Did you go?" Leah presses carefully. This is uncertain territory for her.

Loki nods, still looking away.

"And what happened?"

She sees Loki visibly swallow, still shaking.

She really should take him to the ER, she thinks. His fever goes up even the smallest amount, and she's going to.

"They were wonderful. He's... Thor has a beautiful family. They were n... nice. All of them were nice."

"Then what's wrong?" Leah asks. "Loki, what is it?"

He shrugs, his long, thin hands clenching in the material of the blanket.

"I don't know. I just..." he pauses, fidgeting. "His life seems so perfect, and everything in mine is such a mess. _I'm_ such a mess, and... and then he wants me to see my mother and father again, wants me to be part of the family again, and I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I should."

"You see your mother sometimes." Leah says slowly. This is really beyond her ability to deal with, she thinks dismally, even while knowing Loki doesn't really have anyone else to talk to. Well, he has Darcy.

Darcy's a good kid. But she can be over energetic, and that doesn't always mix well with someone like Loki.

"Yeah..." Loki's voice trails off. "Only sometimes."

Leah sits there, trying to think of what she should say, not really knowing. It's a good thing for Loki to have his family. That's what she thinks. But just saying that outright might not have the effect on Loki she wants. She knew all about the sense of betrayal he still carried over their lying to him about his adoption. Knew about the strained relationship he'd had with his father before then.

"If I get involved with them again, they're going to see how much of a failure I am. They'll find out how badly the shop is struggling and... and Odin especially will hate that." Loki keeps talking. "And then a couple days ago, I called Thor and... and asked him if he wanted to go to the ice skating rink. You know, the one near the shop?" He looks up at her finally, and Leah nods. "And I waited for him. He told me half an hour. He'd be there in half an hour. But he didn't show up for thirty minutes after that, and I t-tried... I tried to be mad at him, but it was just the same bullshit it always is with him. I ended up feeling like... like it was _my_ fault, somehow. And he didn't even say anything to make me think that. I just felt bad, because I'd been so angry, and then I saw him and I couldn't... I couldn't tell him how it made me feel. He didn't even call. He could have called. I could have told him that, but I just didn't, because it was like I was the one who screwed up. Like it was my fault for even asking him to meet me in the first place and I just..."

He takes a shuddering breath, more tears streaming down his face.

"I just don't know if I want that back in my life. That constant feeling of not being good enough. Of feeling like I need to apologize for everything about myself, for things which aren't even... even my fault."

Well it was obvious now to Leah how Loki had gotten so sick in the first place, if he'd been waiting outside for his brother to show up for an hour. It had been minus two degrees a few days ago.

"You know that wasn't your fault though, right?" Leah presses. "You can't blame yourself for asking him to hang out and then he's late."

"I know." Loki answers. "I know that."

"Why didn't you tell him how upset you were? I would've punched him in the face for being late like that and not even calling to warn me."

Leah half expects Loki to laugh, but he doesn't. Just shifts around on the couch like he's uncomfortable and worried.

"I can't." He mutters. "I can't do that with Thor. He's..."

"What? Too perfect? You make it sound like you don't deserve your own family Lo." Leah says bluntly.

Loki's shoulders hunch, and he turns his face away.

"Do you want to see them?" Leah presses. "Do you want to see your family again?"

Several seconds pass in silence.

"I don't know." He finally answers. Another, long pause. "... I miss them." He says, his voice almost soundless. "I think about them all the time..."

"Then it shouldn't even be a question Lo." Leah tells him. "You want to see them, you should. But..." she adds quickly when she sees his mouth open to protest. "you have to work on your communication with them. Not everyone is as smart as you Loki, and they aren't going to see as clearly as you do the impact their actions and words have on another person. Some people need to be told when they've done something to hurt you, or when they've messed up in some way. I know that sucks, and it feels like they should know already, but not everyone is as aware or perceptive as they should be. With your brother, don't let the way he is keep you from expressing yourself around him. Don't let him make you feel bad for feeling angry or upset. If he does something to piss you off, you need to tell him so. Don't expect him to see it himself. I've met your brother Lo, and he's a really nice guy, but he's also not the brightest bulb in the box. Some people need help."

For a moment, Loki looks like he'll say something in response, staring back at her with wide, glassy eyes.

But then he just seems to deflate, sinking back against the cushions of the couch, looking absolutely miserable. He's shaking harder now, the sweat thicker across his forehead and face, hands trembling where they clutch at the blanket.

"Loki..." Leah starts, suddenly alarmed, standing and stepping closer to him.

"... I... I don't f-feel so good." He mutters weakly.

She's reaching for him when she sees his eyes go wide, and it's all the warning she gets before he doubles over, throwing his head over the side of the couch and vomiting onto the floor.

Nothing comes out but watery liquid, but it's enough to make Loki start crying again, profuse and frantic apologies escaping past his lips.

"I'm sorry! Oh, I'm sorry!" He says desperately, before suddenly he's grabbing up his own shirt and climbing off the couch, getting on his hands and knees on the floor like he's going to wipe his puke up with it.

Leah has to forcibly stop him, reaching out and grabbing hold of his bony wrists, pulling his arms away.

"Loki, don't. Don't do that." She says.

"But I messed up your floor." He protests, trying to pull back. He feels so weak to her, unable to break her hold, and she realizes abruptly he's a lot sicker than she even realized.

"It doesn't matter. Loki, how many days have you been like this?"

"... A couple. I think... a couple..." he says vaguely, sounding spaced out.

"Jesus, alright." Leah says. "Come on. Up, we're going to the ER."

"I don need a doctor..." he slurs.

"Yes, you do." Leah tells him, letting go of his wrists and hooking her arms under his armpits. God, he feels twice as hot as he did twenty minutes ago. "This isn't a request Loki. Get up. I'm taking you to the ER."

There are thick tears streaming down his face again, and whatever fight he'd had left in him seems to crumble as he lets Leah hoist him up. She shoulders his light weight easily enough, despite his tall, gangly body, one arm wrapped round his back, his arm slung over her shoulders.

"Come on Lo." She says more gently as he presses his face against her shoulder, and she can feel him shaking, both with chill and suppressed sobs. "It's okay hon. It's going to be alright."

He doesn't say anything, only nodding his head jerkily against her.

Leah feels her own throat going tight, her eyes stinging.

God, she hates this so fucking much.

/

 **Thanks for reading guys! If you have a chance, please leave me a review. It's what motivates me to keep writing.**


	5. Chapter 5

Pneumonia.

Loki had fucking _pneumonia_.

The doctor treating him had told her if they'd waited just an hour more to bring him to the ER, then his condition could very well have degenerated into a critical, possibly even fatal state.

Leah had locked herself in the bathroom after that conversation and cried her eyes out for nearly fifteen minutes. Then she'd pulled out her cell phone and called Loki's Mum. He would be angry at her for it, but she really didn't care.

She didn't know how much longer she could handle this kind of stress.

She keeps thinking, as she waits in the front lobby of the hospital, what would have happened if Loki hadn't come to her today. Keeps imagining him, holed up in that low rent flat of his, all alone, getting sicker and sicker, and nobody even knowing, because he wouldn't tell anybody.

They had him back in the ER right now, administering fluids and trying to get his temperature down, which, the doctor had told her, had skyrocketed to 105.1 by the time they'd gotten there.

She'd known it was bad as she'd been driving them, Loki huddled in the passengers side seat, shaking violently and sweating profusely. He'd thrown up again too, once again apologizing frantically to her as he'd begun sobbing, embarrassed and obviously frightened, and Leah had told him over and over that it was okay, that she didn't care about her car, that he was going to be alright. By the time they'd reached the hospital, he'd barely been able to stand, he'd grown so weak, halfway collapsing in her arms as they'd trudged across the parking lot to the entrance. Thank God there had been nurses who'd seen quickly what was happening and had gotten Loki into a wheel chair before rolling him into the back. Leah had wanted to follow, but of course they hadn't let her.

It had been nearly an hour and a half before the doctor had come out to talk to her and tell her what was going on.

They said she could go back to see Loki if she could get someone from his immediate family to come too.

She was waiting for Frigga now, and hadn't _that_ been a fun conversation.

"It better just be you to come." Leah had told her when she had started to say she had to tell her husband and older son. "Loki's in a pretty fragile state right now, and I think it would just stress him out more if he had to face... everybody."

Frigga had seemed hesitant at first to agree, and Leah couldn't really blame her. Getting a call in the middle of the afternoon, the day after New Years, letting you know your youngest child was sick in the hospital with pneumonia, must have been nothing short of horrifying. Of course she would want the rest of her family there for support.

But Leah remembered what Loki had said earlier at her apartment, about the anxiety and uncertainty he was feeling about letting his family back into his life, and what a mess he was emotionally from all of it. With him as sick as he now was, the last thing he needed was that extra pressure.

It had taken some more convincing, but eventually Frigga had agreed, and said she was on her way.

That had been twenty minutes ago, and Leah was expecting her any time now.

Still, it's a massive relief when she sees Loki's mother come through the entrance doors.

She doesn't see Leah at first, making a beeline for the front desk.

"Frigga!" Leah calls to her, and Loki's mum turns, her eyes searching a moment before they find the younger woman, wide and frantic.

She starts forward, questions already spilling out of her mouth.

"Where is he?" She asks. "Is he alright? Have they said anything?"

"He's in the back still. They've got him on intravenous fluids and are working to get his temp down. The doctor said he'll be fine, but he's likely to be here for a few days at least." Leah answers as well as she can, feeling ill at the tears already welling in Frigga's eyes.

"Oh God, I should have known something was wrong. He hadn't called in several days. He... he usually calls me every Sunday. Did you... how did you know? Did you find him?"

Leah shakes her head, already dreading telling her this part.

"He walked to my place from his flat." She says, cringing inwardly.

"What?!" Frigga gasps, a look of absolute horror crossing over his features.

"I know. He's insane. I asked him why he didn't just call me if he wanted to see me, and he didn't have an answer. He... he said he didn't want to be alone."

"Oh, that stupid, _stupid_ boy!" Frigga snaps, her hand coming up and curling in her hair, tugging at it. "Why does he do these things? How can he be so smart and have such little sense?!"

"That's the question of the hour." Leah laments with her, shaking her head. "Listen, the doctor told me we could go back and see him once you arrived, but I think... I mean, we should take it easy on him. He's not doing good, besides being so sick I mean. He's been having a rough time lately."

Frigga looks at her with naked concern, and Leah can see the thousand and one questions the older woman wants to ask. The sad truth is, Leah has seen more of Loki, much more, than his own mother for the past several years. Knows more at this point about Loki's life than anyone in his actual family.

She feels bad for Loki's Mum, if she's being honest. The woman cares so much about him, and it has to be hell, having so little contact with him, especially when Leah knows Frigga has to be aware of how neglectful of himself Loki tended to be.

Loki's father and brother, that was a different situation. From everything Loki had told her about his dad, and from the times she had met him and seen his interaction with his younger son, the man was, in Leah's view, hardly better than a bully. He loved Loki, that was obvious to her, but he had no fucking clue about how to treat and talk to him either, and seemed completely unaware of the way he constantly belittled, talked down to and just generally shit on Loki constantly. It was no wonder, Leah had reasoned the first time she'd seen the two of them together, that Loki had turned out the way he did, if he'd had to grow up with that kind of pressure and that kind of... well, meanness, was the word she supposed she was looking for. Odin practically fawned over Thor, his pride and eagerness to show off and brag about the older boy plain as day, while Loki he treated like a woeful disappointment, even almost as an embarrassment.

The first time she'd met Odin, he'd looked her up and down, a judgmental frown on his face, and said, Loki standing right next to her...

"So has the boy finally found himself a girlfriend? It's about damn time. I've been saying people are starting to get ideas about him."

Loki's face, Leah remembers, had turned beat red in mortification, his entire body seeming to shrink down on itself in shame, his eyes fixing on the ground, unable to look at either her or his dad.

Leah had scoffed loudly, a disgusted sneer in her voice as she'd answered that she wasn't Loki's girlfriend, just his friend, a that it didn't matter what anyone thought about him, that he was fine as he was, and that any parent worth a damn would tell him the very same.

To say she and Odin hadn't gotten off to a good start would have been the understatement of the century.

Loki's brother, Thor, was something else entirely.

Very nice man. Good natured, kind, and so charismatic, you felt like you were going blind just to look at him. Thor was the type of person who, the moment he walked into a room, he just sucked all of the attention away from anyone or anything else, and brought it all to himself. Everybody seemed to love him, seemed to start smiling just because he was there, wanted to be around him, almost _needed_ to.

He was also pretty fucking dense sometimes, which, Leah thinks, should have been Loki's first tip off that they didn't share the same DNA. Though both Frigga and Odin were incredibly intelligent, and, to be fair, she supposed so was Thor, in his own way, underneath all of the near sighted, self-absorbed egotism he had going on.

Leah could only imagine growing up with that as your older brother.

Neither of them, Leah had judged, were what Loki needed right now.

"I'll go see if I can find somebody to take us back there." Leah says now, shaking the thoughts from her head.

Frigga nods, agreeing, though she looks antsy, her eyes flitting round the lobby, like she's looking herself for someone to assist them.

Luckily, it doesn't take Leah long to find a nurse to go and talk to the doctor and see if it's alright for them to come back, and a few minutes later, the same nurse returns, telling them to follow her.

Leah let's Loki's mum go ahead of her, a nervous dread forming grossly in the pit of her stomach. She's always hated hospitals, and all of the action and chaos going on back here is only making it worse. There are so many people, so much noise and urgency.

If it's making her feel this way, she doesn't even want to think about what it's doing to Loki.

"He's going to be a little droopy because we've got him on some pain killers right now." The nurse is saying. "It's nothing to be alarmed at."

"What sort of pain killer?" Frigga demands, not quite managing to keep the concern out of her voice.

Leah can't disagree. Loki has such a sensitive system and a fragile constitution. It's one reason he doesn't drink, or do any kind of drugs at all, not even pot. Hell, he won't ever take anything stronger than an aspirin no matter what kind of pain he's in. She remembers taking him out to a bar on his 21st birthday. He'd had one beer before he was completely smashed, half a beer more before he'd had to break for the men's room. She remembers she'd followed him in, not giving a shit about the strange looks she'd gotten. Loki had been in there for nearly an hour puking his guts out, and she'd sat with him, holding his hair out of his face and rubbing his back, before telling him at last that they were going home, and that he was sleeping at her place that night. Another time, before she'd realized how little he could actually take, she'd given him a joint to smoke. He hadn't wanted to, she remembers, and she'd fucking pressured him into trying it, telling him to live a little. A couple hits off the thing, and he'd totally freaked out, had started shaking and tearing at his own skin, scared out of his mind, thinking something awful was happening to him.

Leah had never felt more guilty in all her life.

"Just a Norco." The nurse says easily. "He was complaining of a pretty bad headache and muscle soreness, so we gave him a low dosage."

"Is he..." Frigga starts, then pauses. "is he healthy, otherwise? I mean, besides the pneumonia?"

"He's underweight by a pretty fair amount." The nurse answers honestly. "He's coming in around 150 pounds. Ideally, for someone of his build and height, we'd want to see closer to 180 or 185."

That doesn't surprise Leah either. She'd seen what he looked like earlier. He was way too thin.

From the look on Frigga's face, it doesn't really surprise her either, but Leah can see the heartache there nonetheless.

The rest of the walk is made in silence, until they come to a curtained off area.

"Just through here. The doctor should be with you shortly." The nurse says, before taking off in another direction.

Pulling the curtain aside and walking in, Leah sees Loki propped up against a bunch of pillows on one of those mechanical hospital beds, wearing one of those open backed, loose gowns, the thing hanging precariously off his shoulders, threatening to fall down any moment from the narrowness of them.

Loki blinks a moment as he stares at her and his mother, his eyes glazed over and unfocused. It takes a long, few seconds then before he seems to realize what he's looking at, and almost instantly, his eyes widen in shock, and then he's turning away, his big hands coming up to cover his face.

"Loki, honey..." Frigga starts, stepping towards him.

Loki doesn't answer her, only shaking his head, keeping his face hidden.

"Oh, darling." Frigga goes on, undeterred, wrapping her arms around her son and pulling him against her.

Leah stands back, watching.

"I had to tell her Lo." She finally says, feeling only slightly guilty. He's obviously mortified. He hates being seen as weak, or helpless. Leah knows that goes doubly so for his family, who he already struggles with feeling good enough for. But his mother had to know. Someone besides her did.

"Loki, baby, what happened? When did you get so sick?" Frigga goes on gently, smoothing her hand over her son's head, pressing a kiss to his temple. "When I talked to your brother about his meeting with you, he said you'd been waiting out in the cold for him for over an hour. That you hadn't waited inside where it was warm."

Leah purses her lips, crossing her arms over her chest.

This might get ugly, she thinks, praying it doesn't.

"And then Leah tells me you _walked_ to her apartment from your own this morning. Loki, my God, it's below freezing outside. In your condition..."

"I'm sorry." Loki croaks out then, his voice even more rough than it had been earlier, barely even a whisper now. "I'm an idiot."

"You're not an idiot honey." Frigga says, her own voice strained, sounding on the verge of tears. "You just don't always think about yourself very well."

"You're mad at me though." Loki mutters, dropping his hand finally but turning his face away.

Frigga pauses a moment, thinking.

"I am a little, yeah." She admits. "But Loki, it's only because I love you." She continues quickly when she sees him shrink down on himself. "I love you so much honey, and so does Leah. We all do. It scares us when you don't take care of yourself. Loki, you could have died." At that, Frigga's voice finally cracks, and Leah sees the tears that had been building in her eyes finally slip free, down her face.

Loki glances towards her, his own face twisting, eyes wet. He reaches for her with a shaking hand, laying it on her wrist and squeezing gently.

"Don't cry Mum." He says. "I'm sorry. Please don't cry."

"I just need you to be okay Loki." Frigga tells him tearfully.

"I know Mum. I... I will be. I promise I will be." He tells her.

"Oh, and you're so thin." His mother goes on worriedly, cupping his cheek in her palm, looking at him closely.

Loki's eyes flit from her, saying nothing to that.

Loki does eat, Leah thinks. It's just that he also often forgets to. It isn't really a case of an eating disorder. He just... forgets. Which... Leah isn't really sure which is worse.

She's tried helping him there so many times. Often making him bagged lunches and bringing them to the book shop in the morning, knowing he probably won't have remembered to bring anything himself, or stopping and picking him up a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. Often inviting him out to have dinner with her. On top of his forgetfulness, Loki just didn't have a very big appetite to begin with, so it was tough.

She tells him constantly that if he would just eat more, he would probably feel better, have more energy, feel stronger. He always tells her he tries, and she knows it embarrasses him, to be reminded constantly that other people can see the way he struggles. That it's obvious what a mess he is.

Again, Loki's mother thankfully picks up on his discomfort and doesn't press the issue, instead returning to petting and kissing and fussing over him, until after a while they're at last interrupted by the doctor coming in to talk to them.

It's a relief, really, Leah thinks, as she settles into one of the chairs in the room. It's always been hard for her to watch Loki like this. So miserable in his certainty that he isn't good enough.

It breaks her heart, sometimes, to see how the presence of his mother so often seems only to serve to remind him of that, instead of providing the comfort and safety that Leah knows Frigga intends.

/

Loki huddles into the corner of the couch, holding the blanket round himself and staring listlessly at the television, barely registering the program playing on the screen. Leah had turned it on and left it on the first channel to show up, handing him the remote and telling him she was going to go and make some lunch.

Loki hadn't had the energy or the desire to look for anything to watch, and so had just left it.

He'd finally been discharged from the hospital after being forced to stay overnight. Mother had begun to offer for him to come home with her and stay at their house until he was fully recovered, and Loki had felt nearly mortified at the prospect of being forced back under the same roof as Odin, but not knowing how to tell his mother no without sounding like an ingrate, he'd floundered and stumbled over what to do before Leah had come to his rescue, saying that he could stay with her, insisting that it wouldn't be any kind of inconvenience.

Mother had been plainly disappointed, and Loki had felt bad about it, but he couldn't handle being around Odin. Not now.

That Leah had seen and understood that meant more to Loki than he would probably ever be able to express to her.

He'd been at her place the past two days now, absolutely miserable and probably making Leah's life equally so, though he was trying his hardest not to be too great of an imposition.

That was difficult when he was so sick still, too sore to move without feeling pain almost agonizing in its intensity, suffering crushing headaches and labored breathing. The nausea is the worst though. He keeps throwing up, the consistency of it prompting Leah to finally just give him a bucket to keep at his side, too many failed attempts to make it to the bathroom in time, Loki supposes.

He was disgusting, and he still wonders how it is Leah hasn't lost all patience and thrown him out yet.

The doctor had told him that he was going to have to rest for at least a week, more practically speaking two. Loki had protested, mortified at the prospect of having nothing to occupy him or his thoughts for that long, but Mother and Leah had overridden him, and Loki had known better than to argue against the both of them.

Darcy had agreed to take over duties at the store for the time being, with Leah working the books from home so she could keep an eye on him. Loki feels grateful to have the two of them, though he can't keep from worrying about the shop. Darcy is a good sale's person, and has a healthy respect for the value of the antique books he carries, but Loki has a difficult time trusting his collection to anyone other than himself. He's put too much work into it.

Thor had kept calling too, Mother obviously having told him, and no doubt Odin too, about the pneumonia. Leah had finally taken his phone from him and answered herself, telling Thor what was up, assuring him that she was taking care of his little brother and that he didn't have to worry. Still, Thor had wanted to come over, and to Loki's eternal gratitude, Leah had told him that wasn't really a good idea just then.

Loki looks up from the television when Leah walks back into the room, holding a bowl of soup in one hand and a thermometer in the other.

He groans, pressing himself against the cushions, as if that will help him escape.

She's been taking him temperature every hour for the past two days, and he can't stand it any longer.

"I'm fine." He tells her as she approaches, leaning as far back from her as he can.

"No you aren't." She tells him flatly, setting the bowl down on the coffee table and moving around to face him. She shakes her head when Loki hunches down on himself. "Loki, I need to check your temperature again. Don't make this hard."

"You just checked it I thought." He complains uselessly. He already knows he's not going to win this battle, but he's so tired of all of this.

"I checked it an hour ago and it was higher then I wanted it to be. So we have to check it again. Loki, you know if it gets higher, I'm going to have to take you back to hospital."

Loki groans, turning his face away and pressing it against the couches cushions.

Leah sighs quietly.

"It'll only take a minute. Come on guy." She says more gently, and Loki finally concedes, letting her stick the thermometer in his mouth.

It does only take a minute, and to Loki's relief, and Leah's, his temperature is down a degree when she reads it out. She actually cracks a smile at him.

"See. Not so bad." She says.

"... I guess not." Loki mutters, sounding childish, he knows, but unable to help it.

"Here, now eat this." Leah goes on undeterred, handing him the bowl of soup.

Loki takes it, knowing better than to argue. The heated porcelain of the bowl feels nice against his palms besides, and he holds it close to his chest, letting the steam wash against his face.

"I just talked to Darcy." Leah says suddenly. Reluctantly, Loki pulls his face from the bowl to look up at her. "She's on her way over."

Loki blinks, confused for a moment.

"... To the shop?" He asks. "Shouldn't she already..."

Leah shakes her head.

"No. Over here. I told her she could come."

Loki feels a sudden swell of annoyance and, oddly, almost panic.

"Leah..." he starts, half starting up from the couch, not even sure what he's intending.

"She wants to see you Lok. She's worried about you." Leah starts, reaching out and pushing him back down.

"But what about the shop?" Loki starts to protest, sinking back down with little resistance, too tired and sore to really fight.

"She closed it up for the rest of the day. Business was slow anyway she said."

That news hardly does much to quell Loki's unhappiness, and he slumps down further, feeling abruptly dizzy, an unpleasant churning starting again in the pit of his stomach.

Leah obviously sees it, and she sits down next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders and pulling him against her side.

"Just calm down." She says gently. "It's okay."

Loki swallows, nodding. He knows he's being ridiculous anyway.

"Now eat your soup." Leah presses, standing back up. "Darcy'll be here in about twenty."

/

 **AN: Thanks again to all my readers! I hope you continue to enjoy and leave me a review if you get the chance!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

"Hey girl!" Darcy greets, grinning widely as she steps forward, wrapping her arms around Leah in a tight hug.

Leah stiffens in her hold, and Darcy only smiles wider. Her and Loki are alike in that way, acting uncomfortable with physical affection. But Darcy knows they secretly like it, confirmed when she feels Leah relax and hug her back after a moment.

"Hey." She says, the two of them holding on for several seconds before finally separating. Darcy grins up at her.

"How's the kid?" She asks, sobering some.

Darcy wishes she could have been surprised when she'd heard what had happened, about Loki walking all the way to Leah's flat from his own when he'd already been sick. But she couldn't be. In the time that she'd known him, she'd seen Loki engage in what could at times only be called reckless behavior. He was almost stupidly brave sometimes, and frequently, worrying disregardful of himself.

Darcy doesn't think she'll ever be able to forget the time she and Loki had gone out to dinner, to celebrate her first month of employment at his shop. They'd been sitting at the bar, and there had been a guy there who'd kept hitting on her, to the point of being stalkerish and creepy, and Loki had eventually had enough, standing up and telling the loser to beat it.

The thing was, the dude must have been twice Loki's size, and half drunk on top of it, making him dangerously aggressive. Loki hadn't seemed to care. The guy could have broken him in half, but Loki had gotten right up in his face and told him to leave her alone. He'd been so unyielding, so seemingly unafraid, that the dude had actually been intimidated and backed down, actually apologizing to Loki and to her both before going.

That with Loki having only known her for a month, and he'd done that for her, put himself in direct harm's way for her.

She'd never met anybody like him, and she absolutely, completely loved him. He was her best friend, and ever since that day, she'd made it her own personal mission to look out for him. Between her and Leah, she thought they were doing a reasonably good job. But then there were instances like this, when Darcy found herself wishing Loki was better at taking care of himself.

God, she felt bad for him. She'd had a bad feeling before leaving back to the US, had wanted him to come with her to spend Christmas with her family. Had hated the thought of him being alone. Leah had told her she would try and get him to come spend the holidays with her and her mother, but of course, Loki had turned her down.

When she'd called him and found out he was back in contact with his older brother, she'd been overjoyed. She knew he had a shaky relationship with his family, but she'd always thought it was heartbreaking, the way he'd become estranged from them. Had secretly hoped he would reconcile with them someday.

Of course something that should have been good led to something bad like this.

"He's a little better." Leah tells her now. "Though he's still pretty sick. He's in the living room just watching the tele and eating some lunch."

"Cool." Darcy answers. "And he's cool with me coming over?"

"Yeah." Leah says. "He was a little worried about the shop, but I told him it's alright."

"Yeah, I locked up and made sure everything was put away." Darcy assures as Leah steps aside, letting her into the apartment and closing the door behind her.

"I'll take your coat and scarf." Leah offers, and Darcy is happy to let her.

"It's fucking freezing outside." She says as Leah takes her stuff and hangs it up by the door.

"I know." Leah replies.

"I can't believe Loki walked five miles or whatever it was in this."

"I know." Leah says again. "It was messed up. Come on, I'll show you to him."

Darcy follows Leah to the living room, and quickly spots Loki slumped on the couch, looking like hell warmed over. He's paler than usual, his eyes, even from this distance, plainly glassy and unfocused as he stares listlessly at the television, his food sitting forgotten on a table beside the couch.

"Darcy's here." Leah announces bluntly, and slowly Loki looks up from the TV, staring at Leah a long moment before his eyes move over to Darcy. It seems to take him some seconds to recognize her, and Darcy feels her stomach twist unpleasantly at it.

"Darcy..." he finally starts, his voice low, almost a whisper, his words slightly slurred. "Hi."

"Hey'a kiddo." She says back, forcing herself to smile.

"I'm just cleaning up in the kitchen, so if you guys need me, just call." Leah informs, before making her way from the room, leaving Darcy and Loki alone.

She makes her was over to the couch, plopping herself down next to him.

"So," she starts, looking at him closely.

He looks like death warmed over, she thinks dismally, up close his eyes even more remote and skin ashy, any small amount of color his cheeks usually held completely washed out.

"How ya doin'?" She asks, knowing it's a dumb question, but not knowing what else to say.

"Shitty." He croaks out honestly, voice rough as he looks. "How about you?"

She shrugs.

"Okay." She answers. "Sucks not having you in the shop though. My antique tome knowledge only goes so far, as does my irreverent and witty charm."

She'd been hoping to make him laugh, but Loki doesn't even crack a smile.

"Seriously though, I had one guy come in today asking about some old as balls edition of the Holy Bible, and I didn't have a fucking clue what he was talking about."

Loki looks at her then, a worried expression lining his face.

"Did you write down what he was looking for?" He asks anxiously. "I could probably get it for him."

"Well, _obviously_." Darcy answers, feigning offense. "What do you take me for? I told him I'd talk to the owner and see what we could do, and that he should come back in a couple weeks. Anyway, I sold him some Bible we had in store in the meantime, which seemed to make him happy."

Loki sags in visible relief, and Darcy finds she doesn't have the heart to tease him about it. It was hard enough breaking even for Loki, she knew that, and with him being unable to operate the shop for the moment, it just had to be making him even more anxious than usual.

"Hey, guess what!" She changes the subject, deciding business talk probably isn't the best option right now.

Loki sinks back against the couch cushions, his eyelids drooping closed.

"What?" He asks weakly.

"I got you a Christmas present!" She announces excitedly, already grabbing up her purse and rooting through it.

Loki's eyes open at that, staring at her dazedly.

"... You did?"

"Totally!" Darcy says. "Ah ha! Here you go." She finds the little gift wrapped box, handing it to him.

Loki reaches back, his movements sluggish, his hand trembling slightly as he wraps his thin fingers round the box.

"Darcy, you didn't..."

"I didn't have to, I know. But I wanted to."

She sees him swallow thickly, a ripple of pain crossing his face, probably from a sore throat, his eyes a little too bright.

"... I didn't get you anything." He says so softly she almost doesn't hear. "I'm sorry, I should ha..."

Darcy waves him off.

"Pff. I'm already overloaded with prezzies from the family back home."

She regrets saying it almost as quickly as the words slip past her lips, remembering Loki's situation with his own family. But if he notices, he doesn't show it at all, only thanking her.

"Well open it." She urges when he just keeps staring at the box, like he doesn't know what to do with it.

At last he starts to, almost comically trying to undo the wrapping paper without tearing it, before at last Darcy herself grows frustrated, telling him to forget the paper, that her feelings weren't going to be hurt by him messing up her pristine wrap job.

He gives her a baleful stare a moment, before huffing and just tearing the paper free, lifting the lid off the box.

Darcy holds her breath, nervous suddenly that he won't like it. She knows it isn't much, but she'd seen it when she'd been out shopping with her mother, and she'd thought instantly of him.

Loki stares at the cat shaped pin a long moment, before suddenly he reaches into the box, pulling the piece of jewelery from it.

"Darcy, it's beautiful." He says, staring more closely at it.

"Do you like it really?" She asks, still unsure.

"I love it." He tells her, still studying it closely. "Darcy, it's really beautiful. What's... what's it made of?"

"18 karat white gold." She tells him, smiling. "The little eyes are just glass, I think. But the setting is real gold."

Finally he pulls his eyes from the pin, looking at her, and for the first time since arriving, she sees a genuine smile break across his face, though there's something almost pained in the expression, his eyes over bright.

"Thank you Darcy." He tells her, his voice reduced to almost nothing. "I love it. Thank you so much. I'll... I'll wear it all the time."

"I'm happy you like it." She tells him sincerely, reaching out then and pulling him into a hug.

To her surprise, he doesn't stiffen or pull back, like he always has a tendency to do whenever she abruptly initiates contact like this. Maybe he just feels too tired to fight it this time, though Darcy likes to think it's because he doesn't actually hate being hugged as much as he pretends to.

"What did I tell you two about hanky panky in my apartment?" Leah's voice suddenly cuts through the air.

Darcy pulls back, laughing, even as she sees Loki's whole face light up bright red to the tips of his ears, his eyes skating away.

"I was just giving Loki his Christmas present." Darcy explains, feeling kind of bad for him. "I got you one too. Think fast!"

She pulls Leah's present from her bag, chucking it through the air to the older woman.

Leah catches it easily, not even looking flustered, and not for the first time Darcy wonders how anyone could actually be that cool.

"Thanks Darcy. I actually got you and Loki something too, though it isn't very exciting. You know me, I'm bad at this whole gift exchange thing."

"Ohhhh, whatdidya get us?!" Darcy starts, excited, even as Loki groans, covering his face in his hands.

"I'm such an asshole." He says weakly, voice muffled.

"Don't beat yourself up Lok. You've got enough on your plate without having to worry about gift shopping." Leah tells him, coming over and sitting on his other side. "Besides, my present sucks. Just a couple of season passes to the zoo."

"I fucking _love_ the zoo!" Darcy practically squeals, her voice a little too loud she realizes as Loki flinches back from it. "Sorry." She apologizes. "Got excited. But seriously, I love the zoo. Loki, you love animals. I _know_ you do."

He nods vaguely.

"Thank you Leah." He starts. "It's a wonderful present. See what Darcy got for me?" He hands her the box with the cat pin.

"Wow," Leah says, looking closely at it. "this is really nice."

Loki nods, his eyes drooping closed again.

"Yeah," he says, sounding faint.

Leah looks at him carefully, concern plain on her face.

"How do you feel?" She asks, reaching out and pressing her hand against his forehead.

Long seconds pass without Loki answering, or even moving.

"Loki." Leah presses.

"M'lright." He finally answers, sounding fainter still.

Leah shakes her head, seeming unconvinced, and Darcy doesn't blame her, an uncomfortable tightness forming in her chest as she looks at Loki. He seems suddenly to have grown even paler, if that was at all possible, his chest rising and falling in a slow, shallow pattern.

"Time to take your temperature again Lok." Leah says. Another, long moment passes before Loki gives a barely visible nod, eyes still closed.

"Is he alright?" Darcy asks, looking up at Leah as she stands from the couch, moving across the room, presumably to fetch the thermometer.

"I think so." Leah answers, coming back a moment later. "He's been having these spells the last few days. He's just exhausted."

Darcy nods, looking back to Loki, reaching out and taking hold of his limp hand in hers. His skin is hot to the touch.

"God, poor thing." She says absently as Leah sits down beside him again.

"Loki," she starts, snaking her arm behind his shoulders and helping him to sit up straighter. "come on honey, it'll just take a minute."

His eyes come partially open, glazed and confused looking.

"Hmm?"

"I've got to take your temperature again Loki. It'll just take a moment. Come on, open up."

He's completely out of it, Darcy thinks, alarmed at how quickly it came on, when he's seemed pretty cognizant before.

His mouth falls open after a few seconds, and Leah gently pushes the thermometer past his lips and under his tongue.

"Just hold that there as best as you can." She tells him softly.

"Is there anything I can do?" Darcy asks, feeling suddenly stupid in her uselessness.

"Can you maybe go get some fresh wash cloths, soaked in cold water? You know where I keep the linens."

Darcy practically leaps at the chance, going without hesitation.

She returns quickly, several soaked clothes in her hands, and finds Leah with a concerned look on her face as she examines the thermometer.

"What's up?" She asks, her eyes moving to Loki, seeing him slumped again against the couch cushions, eyes closed. There's a noticeable sheen to his skin now.

Leah shakes her head.

"Not much. His temp is just a little spiky right now."

Darcy bites her lip, worried.

"What should we do?" She asks, coming closer, reaching out and pressing her palm against Loki's forehead, barely holding in a hiss as she feels how hot it is.

"Well if it gets too much worse, I'm gonna call his doctor. Right now I think we should get him to the bedroom, get him out of his clothes. I want to try and get his temp down a little."

"Right." Darcy nods.

Getting Loki to the bedroom isn't as easy as it should be. He's nearly limp with his lack of strength as they try to get him to stand, each of them taking him underneath one of his arms, having to support him almost fully as they stumble and struggle across the apartment.

Eventually they make it, getting Loki onto the bed. Darcy helps keep him upright as Leah goes about getting him undressed.

"... Wh-where are we?" Loki slurs, his eyes coming half open, gaze unfocused and confused.

"We're in Leah's bedroom sweetheart." Darcy answers, rubbing his back as Leah works on pulling his pants free. "We're getting your clothes off so we can cool your temperature down some."

Loki blinks, saying nothing for long seconds.

"I'm really hot." He finally says. "Am I really hot?"

Stupidly, Darcy thinks she would normally make a joke here, but really, the situation isn't even remotely funny.

"Just relax Loki. You're okay." She says, her throat feeling uncomfortably tight.

"Help me get his shirt off?" Leah asks, folding his pants and lying them on the dresser beside the bed.

Darcy nods, guiding Loki to lift up his arms as Leah pulls his sweater up from the hem, taking his t-shirt up with it and pulling the two garments off over his head.

Darcy feels his stomach drop.

He's so skinny, his skin glistening with sweat and ash pale.

"Darcy, can you go fetch the wash clothes again?" Leah asks, bending and lifting Loki's legs up onto the mattress before gently coaxing him to lye back against the pillows.

"Yeah." Darcy answers, slipping quickly back out to the living room, grabbing up the clothes and heading back.

"Here." She says, handing the wash clothes over to Leah, who mumbles a thank you, lying one across Loki's forehead, taking the other two and balling them up, sticking them into the pits of his arms.

Loki's eyes keep closing and opening, his face lined in exhaustion.

"... M'sorry." He mutters, almost too softly to hear. "Sorry."

For a moment, Darcy sees Leah's face crumple with visible pain, turning her head from Loki a moment, before forcing herself to look back, laying a hand on his shoulder gently.

"You didn't do anything wrong Lok." She says quietly.

It's the most emotion Darcy thinks she's ever seen on the older woman, and it strikes her suddenly just _how much_ Leah cares about Loki.

She'd known before, in a vague sort of way. Initially, she'd thought the two of them had an odd relationship, almost sarcastic, though obviously familiar. Leah could sometimes be outright _mean_ to Loki. At least, that's how it had appeared to Darcy. From cold to sometimes outright, forcefully rejecting. But Loki always took everything she said in stride, would even laugh at some of her more biting comments, taking the harsh words in a way he didn't seem to take from anyone else.

Loki was sensitive, could grow easily upset, had often grown upset at customer's even, and that would always either take the form of biting sarcasm towards them, which inevitably drove them away; you didn't want Loki mad at you, he had a tongue sharp as a razor, or he would go into the back of the shop and fume for a long time, which almost always led to him outright crying.

And so Darcy didn't really get his relationship with Leah, or why it worked the way it did. Obviously, Loki had a thing for her, though whether it was reciprocated, Darcy really couldn't say. She had supposed that might have something to do with it, why he never seemed upset by her standoffish, even unkind attitude.

Now Darcy realizes how wrong she had actually been.

Loki didn't get upset because he knew Leah didn't mean it. Not at all. That, in fact, she cared for him deeply, even loved him. Somehow he knew that, when to any outside observer, it would almost seem like Leah couldn't stand him.

But here was proof of the opposite. When it mattered, when it really mattered, Leah was the one to be there for him, to take care of him when no one else would or could.

Suddenly Darcy feels slightly out of place.

Of course she cares for Loki. More than she can say, even though she's only known him a little over a year. But that was the thing. She'd only known him a short while, and Leah, she knew, had known Loki since he was literally a little boy.

"Is there anything else I can do?" She asks quietly, watching from off to the side.

"Maybe just sit with him a while? Keep re-cooling the clothes and reapplying them." Leah says after a long moment, dabbing the wet wash cloth from his forehead around his face and neck and chest. "I think I want to pop down to the market across the street to pick up some more aspirin and a few other things."

"Sure. Of course." Darcy nods.

"And call me if he starts looking worse at all. I should just be about twenty five, thirty minutes."

"Right." Darcy says, moving closer to the bed.

"Should I just try and let him sleep?" She goes on, looking at him. It already looked to her like he was asleep now.

"Yeah." Leah says, handing her the wash cloth. "You can talk to him if you want. It... it helps him, just to hear someone sometimes."

There was that emotion again, more than Darcy was at all used to hearing in Leah's voice.

She nods again, stepping aside to let Leah pass before taking her place at Loki's side, resuming her work.

Leah calls again from the living room that she'll be back, and then it's just her and Loki.

He continues to lay there with his eyes closed, his breathing at least even and steady as Darcy continues to dab at his face and neck.

" _Poor kid._ " She thinks, frowning down at him.

"... Darcy." She hears him say suddenly, his voice faint and barely audible.

She's surprised, having been sure he was asleep.

"Yeah kiddo?" She asks, still dabbing at his forehead.

"... M'sorry." He mutters softly, eyes still closed.

Darcy's eyes sting, her head shaking.

"It's okay Loki." She forces herself to say, reaching out, coming her hand through his damp hair.

His eyes come open finally, dulled with glaze and exhaustion as he stares blankly up at the ceiling.

"... Did Leah l-leave?" He asks weakly.

"Yeah, just for a little while." Darcy answers. "She went to get some more aspirin and stuff."

Loki's hand comes up, wavering a moment aimlessly, before it finds her own still resting on the crown of his head, grasping it weakly.

"You don't have to stay." He says, voice a cracked whisper.

"Well," Darcy starts, squeezing his hand back. "besides the fact that Leah would literally murder me if I left you like this, I also don't mind staying with you at all. I think you know that Loki."

His eyes close again, and she sees him swallow thickly. He nods a moment later.

"You want me to get you anything?" Darcy asks. "More pillows or something?"

Loki shakes his head minutely.

Silence falls between them for a long moment then, and again Darcy thinks maybe he's fallen asleep.

"Tell me about your Christmas." He says then, voice still muted.

Darcy smiles down at him, remembering what Leah had said about it helping him to hear another person, just knowing they're there with him.

"You sure?" She asks. "It's libel to be just me bitching and moaning, since my family is, like, _the_ definition of holiday stress."

He swallows again, giving a weak nod.

"I want to hear." He says faintly.

And so Darcy talks, trying to make it funny, trying to make Loki laugh. She talks until, at last, he really does fall asleep, just as she hears Leah come back into the apartment.

/

 **AN: Thanks as always to all my readers and reviewers! I hope you continue to enjoy, and leave a review if you have a chance!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**

 _Sixteen days._

 _That's how long it's been since he'd run away from home, Loki thinks, wrapping his arms round himself in a sorry attempt to keep the cold from sinking past the thin layers of his clothing. Sixteen miserable, pathetic days, and already he was thinking about running back home and admitting defeat._

 _He wanted to. He wanted to go back home, back to Mum, and even Thor. Only the thought of Father... no, not Father, the thought of Odin has kept him from doing it._ _The thought of how... how smug, how condescending and gloating he would be, how he would rub Loki's face in it, tell him he knew he wouldn't last out there, and the way... the way Loki knows he would make him beg and plead to be allowed back in, the way he would make him apologize, as if_ he _had been the one to do something wrong._

 _No, Loki thinks, he can't do that. He won't allow himself to be humiliated like that._

 _He isn't stupid. He's... he knew it wasn't going to be easy out here. Had realized the foolishness of his rash behavior only hours after he had abandoned their house and gone into the city. Had truly begun to understand it when the sun had dipped down, when it had become dark and the temperature had plumm_ _e_ _ted, and it had sunk in for him that he had no where to go, had very little money, no car, no food, only the clothes he'd gone out in earlier that day,_ _and his phone, it's battery already half used up_ _._

 _He'd almost given in then. Nearly dialed Mum to ask her to come and pick him up. But his pride had stopped him, and his anger. God, he'd been so angry, was_ still _so angry._

 _They'd betrayed him. All of them. Mum and Dad and Thor. They'd known, and they hadn't told him,_ _as if_ _that..._ _as if_ _that was at all alright, like it didn't matter that he wasn't even really a part of their family. And he remembered all those times he'd known, deep down. Remembers those times he'd even questioned them,_ asked _them why he didn't look like any of them, why he wasn't built like them at all, didn't have the same coloring. Why he felt so out of place all the time. And they'd lied. Straight to his face, every time. Even..._ _even embellished, tried to tell him looked like Odin's grandfather or some bullshit like that. And when Loki thought about moments like that, thought about the deliberate deception, Christ, he felt so angry he wanted to break something._ _Wanted to drive his fist right through a wall._

 _He shakes his head now, trying to clear the thoughts from his mind, wrapping his arms tighter about his torso._

 _He'd just recently gotten enough money saved, from the janitorial job he'd managed to land,_ _to get out of the homeless shelters and start staying in a cheap motel_ _not far from his place of work._

 _He'd thought about Leah, of course. Thought about asking her if he could stay at her place, just until he could afford one of his own. But the thought of putting that kind of pressure on her had been repulsive to him. And besides, the last thing he needed right now was to be so close to her, knowing she didn't... think about him, the way he thought about her._

 _Things were a little better now anyway._

 _The difference having a room of his own made, even one as run down and ratty as the one he had, was almost indescribable._

 _He guesses he'd never really understood just how lucky he was, when he'd been living at home. Never understood what a luxury it was, to have a place to even stay, never mind the mansion his parent's owned, his own bedroom twice the size of the room he was staying in now._

 _At the shelter, there hadn't been any rooms. He'd been lucky to even get in. And when he did, he had to sleep on the floor of a big, single space, surrounded on all sides by other homeless people._

 _He'd felt humiliated at first, embarrassed and scared, paranoid that someone was going to try and rob him even._

 _That had gone quickly away though, when the next night he'd found out what it was like when you didn't get into the shelter at all, when he'd ended up spending the night in a subway station, sleeping on a bench._

 _Around four in the morning, a police officer had come by and told him he couldn't stay there, and he'd ended up just walking the streets throughout the rest of the day, exhausted and panicky._

 _You had to be at the shelter hours before it even opened, he'd learned, if you hoped to get a place inside. A couple nights of doing that, and he knew he couldn't keep it up._

 _He'd started looking for work the next day, and was met with another harsh dose of reality. He didn't have a resume, or work experience of any kind. And when people found out he'd gone to Cambridge when he was_ _ten, graduated at fourteen, it just seemed to intimidate them more than inspire confidence. They all said the same thing. "You're overqualified." Everywhere._

 _Loki had begun to wonder what fucking good at all was graduating from university if all it did was make you less desi_ _rable_ _to employers._

 _Finally he'd just lied, said he was fresh out of boarding school, and he'd landed a job working as a night janitor_ _in a small restaurant. As soon as he'd gotten his first paycheck, he'd cashed it and rented a room. He was making enough for that, and to buy the barest minimum food to keep eating._ _That was about it._

 _It was just temporary, he kept telling himself. Just until he could get himself together enough to look for a real job, maybe working editorial or something. And he was still writing. If he kept at it, maybe someday..._

"You realize that's a pipe dream, don't you _?" He can hear Odin's voice telling him._

 _He tries not to think about how much he believes that._

 _Putting his face down, he begins to walk quicker, wanting suddenly, almost desperately, to get back to the motel and just go to sleep for the rest of the night. He's exhausted. He hadn't slept well at all the night before, isn't even really sure he'd fully fallen asleep at any point._

 _Just another couple blocks and he'll be there, and then he can stop thinking about all this shit._

 _He turns the corner onto the next street, and that's when he hears it, footsteps coming up behind him, too quickly, he thinks._

 _For a moment, his mind blanks out, and then kicks back into overdrive, and without thinking, he looks back over his shoulder, getting an awful feeling._

 _He sees three men, following less than twenty feet back. They're looking straight at him, smiling and laughing, their eyes flashing visibly under the street lamps._

 _Loki feels his stomach drop out from under him, an abrupt, sharp wave of fear washing through him, and he turns away, walking faster still._

 _He hears their laughter grow louder, and his mouth goes dry._

 _What do they want, he wonders, frightened. Maybe they weren't actually looking at him, he tells himself then. Maybe he just imagine it._

" _Hey, you!" One of them calls out suddenly, and any hope he had of it being his imagination vanishes. "What's the hurry?"_

 _Loki can feel his heart beating too hard now against his ribs, a sick feeling churning in the pit of his stomach._

" _Hey, we just wanna talk to you!" Another of them calls, the group erupting into laughter, and panic shoots through Loki like a bolt of lightening._

 _He doesn't think then, he just runs._

 _He isn't fast enough._

 _The men catch up to him almost immediately, moving around him until they've got him surrounded on all sides, trapping him in a circle._

 _Loki stumbles to a halt, eyes wide and breath coming hard._ _He looks around him, and it's_ _clear_ _from just a single glance that all of them are bigger and stronger than he is. He doesn't think he could fend off one of them, let alone three._ _They're young too, he notices. Teenagers. Probably 17 or 18 years old. They're grinning at him, expressions mean._

" _Where you going man?" The one to his left says, stepping closer._

 _Loki swallows thickly, scared, mind swirling, trying frantically to come up with some course of action, some way to get out of this._

" _Wh-what do you want?" He finally manages to stammer past the thickness of his tongue. He folds his arms tighter around his torso, trying to put as much space between him and them as possible, though it's useless. They're standing only inches from him now._

" _What do we want?!" The kid behind him starts, voice thick with amusement. "Hey, he wants to know what we want."_

" _What's in here?" The one to the right asks, and Loki feels him tug hard on the backpack he's wearing, pulling him off balance with it._

 _Instinctively, Loki tries to pull away, panicked, and he loses his balance in the other direction now, falling into the boy on the left._

 _They laugh more loudly, grabbing again for his bag, this time pulling hard enough to take it from Loki's back._

 _Involuntarily he tries to grab it back._

 _It's a mistake._

 _He doesn't even see the punch. Only knows he's been hit when his vision explodes into white and a high pitched ringing deafens his hearing. Doesn't even realize he's gone down until the white clears away and he finds himself looking up at them from the pavement, his head spinning, the ringing refusing to subside for long seconds._

 _They're saying something, laughing still. The one who'd torn his bag away has it open, riffling through it. Loki tastes copper on his tongue, and he lifts a shaking hand, touching it to his face. Pulling it away and he sees the tips of his fingers smeared in blood._ _For a second he doesn't understand._

 _And then he sees the boy with his bag pulling it's contents out, dumping them onto the ground. It isn't much, just a few books and a couple cheap t-shirts. Some socks and underwear, his phone, and what little money he has left from his last paycheck. It looks even more pathetic, sitting there on the sidewalk._

 _The men crouch down, sorting through it, and as Loki's head finally begins to clear from the blow, he sees their expressions growing more and more unhappy as they see there isn't really anything of value._

 _One of them grabs up the money. Maybe 60 Euros, at most, counting it with a sneer on his face before stuffing into his own pocket._

 _Loki starts pushing himself to his knees, a shot of anger pushing through his fear._

" _Is that all he's got?" One of them asks, disgust plain in his voice._

" _All that's in the bag." Another answers, checking through the backpack's pockets one last time._

" _Fuckin' queer."_

 _Loki looks up at the one who'd pocketed the money._

" _That... that's mine." He says, voice slurring slightly, still dizzy._

" _What?" The man says, and then a smile breaks out across his face. "Did ya hear that? He says it's_ his _."_

" _Not anymore, faggot." Another laughs, and suddenly he lashes out, sinking his shoe into Loki's stomach, and Loki can't breathe then._

 _He collapses back to the pavement, a harsh, loud gasping filling his ears, and he realizes a moment later it's him making the noise as he struggles to pull air into his lungs._

 _He's barely given a moment before another boot slams again into his stomach, and tears fill Loki's eyes, his anger washing away instantly as his terror comes surging back._

 _He tires to speak, to ask them to stop, but he can't find his voice at all._

 _It gets worse. The pain won't stop and he can't catch his breath, can't breathe as all three of them fall on him, start beating him. They kick him repeatedly, ceaselessly, in the stomach, the back, across the face, until everything becomes nothing but pain and fear and helplessness._

 _He tries to cover up, tries pulling his arms over his head at least, but they just pull them away, or kick them away, and he gets nothing but bruises on his forearms for his trouble._

 _Finally it stops, only the pain continues to throb, growing seemingly worse, the taste of blood thick on his tongue, washing down his throat and making him sick._

 _He thinks for a moment they've gone, and he nearly sobs in relief, before suddenly he feels a pair of hands on him, dragging him up from the pavement, and he realizes they're still there._

" _Get his clothes off." He hears one of them say, their voice sounding distant, almost like he's under water._

 _He doesn't understand though. Not until he feels their hands tugging at his jacket, and then at the waistband of his pants._

 _Fresh panic overwhelms him, and he begins to struggle, not knowing what it is they mean to do, only terrified at the possibilities._

" _Don't... Don't..." he protests weakly, uselessly, trying to pull his arms free from their hold. But he can't, he can't stop them as they strip his clothes off. His jacket, and then his shirt, and then his shoes and socks and pants, leaving him almost naked._

 _Finally they let him go, and Loki gasps, feeling their hold loosen, and he starts to crawl away from them, his breath still wheezing and weak in his lungs. They're going to beat him again, he thinks frantically. Or... or worse. He's got to get away. Got to find help somewhere._

 _Unthinkingly, he cries out for Thor, forgetting for a moment that his brother isn't there._

 _Minutes pass, and he keeps crawling, expecting their hands on him, expecting them to drag him back._

 _But they never do, until, finally, Loki realizes they aren't there any more. They've left. And he's alone._

 _He pushes himself up, blinking confusedly, looking back behind him and seeing nothing but a dark, empty street._

 _It seems for a long time he doesn't understand at all, until suddenly it hits him almost as a physical blow._

 _He begins crying then, truly. A mixture of relief and fear and pain forcing the weak sobs up from his throat, burying his face in his hands as he tries vainly to calm himself down._

 _He can't though. Can't stop shaking as he finally tries making it back to his feet, the adrenaline wearing away quickly, leaving him freezing cold, the blows the teenagers had landed on him throbbing suddenly viciously._

 _He struggles, collapsing back to his knees several times before he manages finally to stay up, and he lifts trembling fingers to his face. He can already feel terrible swelling along his brow ridge and eyes, and touching his lips, he pulls his hand away to see still fresh blood covering them._

 _Abruptly, nausea churns sickeningly in the pit of his stomach, and it's all the warning he gets before he feels bile come surging up his throat. He turns, bending over barely in time before he vomits violently onto the sidewalk, his eyes stinging with fresh tears._

 _He retches several times more, throwing up a thin, clear liquid, before it finally subsides, and the cold air comes rushing back against him, seeming ten times worse as he wraps his arms around himself, trying uselessly to shield his body._

 _He turns, his mind all in a jumble as he tries to think what he should do, what he needs to do. He doesn't know, and he feels an almost overpowering need to be with his mother, with Thor. Only they're too far away. They live far on the other side of town, and he has... has no way of getting to them._

 _He swallows down another, choking sob, eyes scanning the pavement, landing on his left behind backpack, and he stumbles over to it, a numb hope sitting in his chest that they left something that he could use._

 _Only when he reaches it, it's empty. All his clothes and books gone, his cell phone and money. He realizes then, too, they've taken his key card to his motel room, and he feels his stomach drop out from under him again. The manager won't even be awake, he thinks. Not this late. He won't be able to get back in._

 _He sits there several minutes, dazed and lost, looking around himself as if hoping someone will come to help. But the streets are completely empty this time of night, and no one is coming, he realizes._

 _Oh, God, he wishes... he wishes Mum was here, wishes Thor was. He... He doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know where to go._

 _It's getting colder too, the wind picking up, and he's shaking harder now, the tips of his fingers and toes starting to feel numb._

 _He's got to get off the street, he thinks. He's got to go somewhere. He can't just stay here._

 _And he thinks suddenly of Leah._

 _He hadn't... hadn't seen or spoken to her since running away from home. She'll be so angry with him, he thinks, if he shows up at her door like this._

 _But he can't think of anywhere else. Her apartment is a few miles away still. But it's the only place he can go._

 _He reaches up, wiping at his eyes, trying to clear away the still falling tears as he gets back to his feet, taking his empty backpack up with him._

 _He stands for nearly a full minute, trying to calm his breathing, sucking big gulps of air, eyes closed to stop the dizziness which keeps coming and going._

 _Leah's going to be so mad at him, he thinks again. She's going to hate him._

 _At last he works up the courage to start, stumbling in the direction of her apartment, praying silently that she'll hear him when he knocks. Praying she doesn't turn him away._

Loki wakes with a start, his eyes coming abruptly open, vision blurred, heart beating painfully hard inside his chest. Almost immediately he becomes aware of how stiflingly hot he is, his body feeling damp with sweat, and he fumbles with the thick covers, feeling trapped within them, trying almost frantically to throw them off.

For a moment, he doesn't know where he is, looking confusedly round the darkened room, unease seeping into the pit of his stomach, until abruptly it comes back to him, and he recognizes Leah's bedroom.

He nearly slumps in relief, trying to shake his head of the memories which had come back to him as a dream, to shake the awful, sickening dread it left in his chest, making his lungs feel too tight.

It's several minutes before he's able to calm himself down, and he pulls the covers off completely, swinging his legs over the edge of the mattress and putting his bare feet onto the carpeted floor.

He notices for the first time he's nearly naked, only wearing his underwear, and he remembers suddenly that Darcy had been there. That she'd been talking to him, holding his hand.

His face burns in embarrassment that she should have seen him like that, out of it and probably talking nonsense, undressed and sick.

He should feel embarrassed that Leah saw him like that too, but she was used to it by now.

She was practically his mother it seemed like sometimes. Which was an awful thought, really, considering the way he felt about her.

God, he was such an idiot.

He thinks about Leah all the time, imagines himself actually getting up the courage to... to say something to her, to ask her out on a _date_ or something. But then he feels himself nearly choking on his fear, certain that she'll reject him.

He doesn't know why he's so scared of it.

Even if she did, it's not like she would stop being his friend. And he's been turned down by plenty of girls...

Every girl...

He imagines her laughing in his face, looking at him like he's insane for even imagining she might feel the same.

He had no reason to think she did.

Leah was his best friend. She'd been there for him since he was a child. Cared about him, took care of him. Even... even loved him, he knew.

Just not in the same way he loved her.

He didn't want to risk the one long term relationship he'd managed to maintain by trying to make it something more than what it already was.

He was lucky to have her at all in his life.

Shoving the thoughts aside, he pushes himself up off the bed, and manages to stay on his feet for all of two seconds before a rush of dizziness barrels through his head, his knees giving way beneath him as he crumples to the floor.

He must have made more noise then he realized, as a moment later the door to the room comes open, Leah standing there, eyes wide with shock before she comes rushing in to his side.

Shame chokes his throat a moment as she reaches down, her cool hands grasping him beneath his arms.

"I'm alright." He says, his voice coming out a cracked, dry whisper, his mouth parched and sticky. His eyes burn, and he tries desperately to keep tears from slipping past them.

Leah ignores his useless protest, pulling him up and getting him back on the bed.

"Here," she says, and she's holding a glass of water in front of him.

He takes it with shaky hands, gulping it down greedily, not even realizing how thirsty he was until the water hits the inside of his mouth.

"Easy," she tells him, pulling the glass away carefully. "you'll make yourself sick."

Loki blinks at her dazedly, not fully understanding, his throat still feeling parched and painful.

Leah places the nearly empty glass on the nightstand before turning back to him, pressing her hand against his forehead.

Loki sits as still as he's able, but it's hard. He feels agitated and restless, the confused fog filling his head making him scared.

"You're alright." Leah says gently, as if reading his thoughts. "Your temp seems down from earlier. That's good."

Loki can only nod, still embarrassed.

"I know you feel shitty." She says quietly.

Loki turns his face down, still feeling lightheaded and unsteady.

"Is Darcy still here?" He asks quietly.

"No." Leah answers. "She had to go home. You've been sleeping about thirteen hours."

Loki looks up at her, shocked.

It must show on his face, because Leah shakes her head.

"You need the rest Lo."

He looks away, feeling confused and even frightened.

The most he usually slept each night was five, maybe six hours sometimes. Never more than that.

He guesses he really is sick.

"I need to pee." He says after a long moment, the fullness of his bladder suddenly making itself known to him.

"Okay." Leah says easily. "Let's get you to the bathroom."

"You don't have to..." Loki starts to protest, but Leah only shakes her head.

"You can barely stand Loki." She says bluntly. "I'm not going to let you fall and hit your head on the sink or something. Come on. I won't look, okay?"

Loki wants to argue. Wants to tell her he's fine, that he can manage to go to the bathroom on his own, that he isn't a _child_.

Only he feels dizzy even now, sitting down, and he knows if he tries to stand up without any support, he'll only hit the floor again.

So he swallows his pride, letting Leah help him up, letting her support most of his weight on her shoulders.

He marvels sometimes at how strong Leah is. He's a good five inches taller than her, but he's forgotten how many times it is at this point that she's practically carried him bodily when he found himself unable to stand on his own strength.

Just another reason she'd never actually be interested in him, he thinks dazedly.

Still, it's awkward as they make their way to the bathroom, Loki stumbling several times, his knees feeling like jelly beneath him, Leah having to catch him over and over, his useless, stupid apologies doing nothing to help.

They finally make it, a thick sweat having broken out across Loki's forehead, and he needs to sit down on the toilet lid a moment to catch his breath, Leah standing beside him, her hand resting on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry." Loki says again, holding his head in his hands.

"Stop apologizing Lok." Leah says.

"Sorry," Loki says again, his face burning with embarrassment an instant after. "I mean..." he starts, brain freezing.

Leah sighs, shaking her head.

"Just relax." She tries. "No one's expecting anything from you Loki."

He nods weakly, trying to do as she says, feeling foolish and useless.

Eventually he recovers enough to stand, trying to tamp down the anxiety and hesitation he feels as Leah helps him, keeping hold of his elbow as he lifts the toilet lid, ready to catch him if he falls.

"I'm not looking." She tells him as he continues to stand unmoving. "It's okay Loki. Just go."

He does, leaning his head against the wall, telling himself he's got nothing to be ashamed of in front of Leah, that she isn't going to judge him.

She helps him back to the bedroom afterward, and when he tells her he doesn't want to sleep anymore, she lets him come out into the living room to watch TV with her.

She even lets him pick the film, and doesn't complain when he chooses what most would call a boring period piece.

Doesn't say anything when Loki leans against her shoulder halfway through. Only puts her arms around him, holding him tight.

/

 **AN: As always, thank you so much to everyone for supporting this story! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and as always, if you have a chance, let me know what you thought!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:**

Loki's face is tight with frustration and tension as the doctor examines him, pressing the stethoscope to his back, telling him to take a deep breath. Leah frowns, hearing the rattling sound of Loki's lungs. He's still sick as a dog, making what seems only marginal improvement over the last few days. It had been enough for Leah, and she'd insisted they go back to the hospital. Loki, predictably, had argued, but she hadn't been hearing any of that.

She feels awful for him though.

He looks sickly and weak sitting there on the examination table, his overlarge t-shirt pushed up from the hem to his shoulders. His ribs sit too visible against the skin of his back, the column of his spine equally so. He can't seem to gain any weight, despite Leah's insistently feeding him over the last week, and it's got her worried.

The room is painfully quiet as the doctor continues to move the stethoscope, listening to Loki's lungs, the man's brow furrowed in a displeased expression.

Leah chews on her thumb nail, watching, impatient.

Finally, the doctor steps back, moving around to Loki's front.

"I'm just going to listen to your heart, okay?" He starts.

Loki nods, keeping his eyes fixed on the wall ahead.

He flinches back when the cold metal of the stethoscope presses against his skin, his frame going tight again a moment later. He looks like he's going to explode out of his skin, Leah thinks.

He doesn't like being touched, she knows. Not by strangers.

It seems like too long a time passes before the doctor at last steps back, looping the stethoscope back around his neck. Leah feels her stomach knot in tension at the concerned look on his face.

"Okay, well..." he starts, mouth pulled into a frown. "I'm not really liking the sound of your lungs. You've been having difficulty breathing still?"

"He has." Leah supplies the answer.

Loki has the hem of his shirt squeezed between his fingers, kneading at the material nervously.

"He's been having a lot of shortness of breath, waking up having trouble breathing." She elaborates when the doctor looks to her. "Dizziness, feeling weak..." she goes on.

She can feel Loki glaring at her, but she really couldn't care less.

The doctor nods, seeming unsurprised.

"You're going to hate it, but I think we need to keep your overnight for observation." He says, turning back towards Loki.

"No..." Loki immediately says, his face spasaming.

"Loki, you don't have a choice." Leah says.

"No," Loki repeats, pushing himself up off the exam table. "No, I can't. I've already missed enough days of work. I can't afford..."

"I'm afraid she's right." The doctor interrupts him. "I'm sorry. I know it's an inconvenience, but your improvement is too marginal and I don't like to say it, but going home now without us understanding better what's going on is actually putting your life at risk."

Leah feels her heart kick uncomfortably in her chest, that same, nauseating dread nearly choking her.

These last few days have been Hell. Hearing these doctors continue to say Loki could _die_ was... was...

It was unfathomable. He _couldn't_ die. He was just a _kid_. And he was her best friend. She wouldn't... she wouldn't know what to do without him. She couldn't lose him. She wouldn't allow that to happen, God damn it...

She expects Loki to continue protesting. To throw a fit, even. She knows this is the last place he wants to be. Getting him to come in for today's exam had been tantamount to pulling teeth. Only she feels her worry grow when she looks at him and sees his face fallen in resignation. He looks exhausted, and too weak to put up a fight.

"... Leah." He says, his glassy eyes looking up to her.

"What is it Loki?" She answers after a moment, stepping closer.

She watches him swallow thickly, his eyes filling with tears, spilling out onto his cheeks a moment later.

She hates this so fucking much.

"... I'm scared." He says. Just says it, and Leah feels her own eyes sting and burn.

"I know." She says, reaching out and grabbing hold of his hand.

"I don't... I don't wanna be here by myself." He goes on, and Leah knows what he's asking.

"I'll stay." She says plainly, and she watches as his face crumples, awful relief etched across it, and Leah wants to scream. He thought she would refuse, she realizes. He thought she would leave him here by himself.

"Do you want me to call anyone? I'm gonna have to call your Mum, but what about your brother... or...?"

Loki seems to hesitate a moment, to Leah's surprise. Again she'd thought he would flat out refuse. But she's beginning to understand just how beaten down Loki's been these past few days and weeks. Him getting so sick seems only to have reinforced that. She can't remember ever seeing him so outwardly vulnerable.

He lifts a hand, wiping at his eyes.

"Stupid idiot." He mutters, more to himself than anyone, Leah thinks. He nods weakly then.

"You can call Thor, maybe."

"Alright." Leah says quickly, hiding her further shock. She reaches out, cupping Loki's jaw. "Hey, it's going to be okay. Alright?"

He glances up at her briefly before his eyes skitter away.

"... Yeah." He says, voice weak and scratchy, and Leah wishes she could believe her own words as strongly as she pronounced them.

"I'll be right back." She says instead.

She moves away, toward the lobby where she can make the call, listening as the doctor continues telling Loki what's going to happen. A nurse would be by shortly to take him back to one of their overnight rooms, he says.

Loki mutters something in return, only it's too quiet for Leah to make out the words.

/

"How is he?" Thor asks immediately as Leah meets him and his mother in the hospital lobby.

"He'll be fine." Leah answers, even as she isn't entirely sure of it. "He's still really sick though. The doctors think he should have been better by now."

"Oh God," Frigga starts, naked fear lining her face, Thor putting his arm around her in comfort.

It's always struck Leah, how completely different Thor is to Loki. Even taking into account Loki's being adopted, it's still something you can't help but notice. Thor looked like the typical star athlete of any professional sports team. He was massive. Just a massive man. Not somebody anybody would mess with, unless they had a death wish. And he was charming beyond belief. The sort of person who, the moment they walked into a room, everyone took notice of them. Found themselves drawn to them, wanting to be near them. He just screamed winner. Someone who life came easy for.

Loki wasn't like that. Not at all.

Leah could well imagine how hard that must have been then, growing up in the shadow of someone like Thor. How impossible it would have seemed to compete with that.

It was no wonder their relationship was so complicated.

"Can we see him?" Thor asks, earnest and hopeful. It really is awful, Leah thinks. Thor was a good person, but he had no idea of how overbearing he could be.

"Yeah. They've just got him set up in one of their overnight rooms. The nurse said we can go back any time."

That's all the prompting Loki's family needs to start heading back, Leah taking the lead.

She knocks softly on the door to Loki's room when they arrive, sticking her head in to check on him.

"Hey." She says, forcing a smile. "You Mum and brother are here."

Loki looks briefly anxious before he falls back against the pillows of his cot, nodding at her to come in.

"Loki." Thor starts immediately, striding towards him.

Leah doesn't miss the expression of almost dread which passes over Loki's face before it quickly fades and Thor is at his side, reaching out and grasping hold of his brother's hand.

"Hi Thor." Loki starts weakly, and it's all he's able to get out before Thor launches into a tirade, voice laced in anger and fear.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" He snaps, and Leah doesn't miss the way Loki flinches back from it, his face going noticeably paler, staring up at his brother with wide eyes. "Loki, you could have _died_! Why didn't you tell someone sooner!? Why didn't you call _me_?! Are you trying to kill yourself or something?!"

Loki doesn't say anything, only continuing to look up at Thor, and Leah's seen that look plenty of times. She knows when Loki's scared. Knows when he's so scared he can't speak. When his usually razor wit fails him, and this is the last fucking thing he needs.

"Thor..." Frigga starts, plainly thinking the same, but Leah is stepping in before she can get another word in.

"Hey, asshole, I don't know if your _pea brain_ can perceive this, but Loki is fucking _sick_! You need to back the hell off him."

Thor turns to her, stunned silence washing across his face. Loki, too, is looking at her, an almost distraught fear in his eyes.

"... Excuse me?" Thor begins after a moment, an edge of anger plain in his voice.

"You heard me." Leah says, stepping up to him. She has to crane her head all the way back just to see his face. He's even taller than Loki, by a good inch and a half, two inches even. But Leah doesn't care. He's an idiot, and needs to be told. "He's got pneumonia. He's been doing nothing the past few days but vomiting, losing even _more_ weight which he can't afford to, half way fucking delirious with fever, fucking lonely and scared, and the first thing his so called brother does when he sees him is start yelling at him for daring to get sick. He wouldn't have gotten sick at all if you'd shown up on time to that stupid fucking ice rink! If you'd shown a little more respect for Loki's God damned time!"

"Leah, he didn't..." Loki starts now, voice thin and weak, and Leah cuts him off too.

"No, don't. Don't try to defend him Loki. He's the one that fucked up. _Not you_. You can't keep blaming yourself every time your brother does something stupid, or tries to put the responsibility on you."

"Wait a minute..." Thor finally starts. "what the hell are you talking about?! I don't even know who you are. Loki's friend from University or something? Why are you even here?"

Leah can't help it. She starts to laugh, struck by the incredible ignorance and stupidity of this man.

 _T_ _his_ was who Loki worshiped? Who he spoke about almost like he was some sort of god? Leah couldn't see it. Not for a minute. Sure, he was physically impressive. But Christ, once he opened his mouth and started talking...

"I'm his best fucking friend, you moron!" She snaps, her amusement draining away in frustration. "I've known him since he was thirteen. Or don't you remember? I'm the one who took him in when you and your shitty family practically kicked him out on the street! When he had no where else to go because he didn't feel fucking _safe_ with you people!"

"Leah, stop it..." She hears Loki say, but she ignores him, continuing to lay into Thor, all the pent up anger and disgust she'd accumulated over the years, listening to Loki tell her about his childhood, about growing up with Thor, about how God damned clueless he had been to Loki's pain and loneliness and depression. And Thor can only stand there, staring at her, mute and dumbfounded, only encouraging her vitriolic pouring out.

She doesn't know for how long her assault on Thor lasts.

She's only snapped out of it when she hears Loki again. 

"Leah..." he says, and the broken tears in his voice reach her now.

She stops, her eyes slipping from Thor's bemused face, sliding to Loki, and she sees him, tears streaming down his flushed cheeks, his chest heaving in labored breathes as he cries.

"Stop it." He begs, his voice wavering badly, brittle sounding. "Stop."

And she does.

She hadn't realized... Damn, she hadn't realized...

"Shit, I'm... Loki, I'm sorry, I didn't..."

Frigga is already at Loki's side though, telling him to calm down, to not work himself up, gripping his hand tightly.

Leah feels like an idiot.

She hadn't meant to upset Loki. She'd just been so _frustrated_. Seeing it in action, seeing the way Thor would talk to him, blithely unaware of the way in which he belittled and demeaned his brother. And all Leah could think of then was Thor doing that to Loki when they were children. Of their father doing the same. Treating him like he was some sort of object, some sort of mechanical puppet that was supposed to do as told. Which got scolded when it didn't.

She'd snapped, forgetting entirely that Loki had been the one who had asked her to invite Thor here. Forgetting that Loki had wanted to see his brother.

Thor mistreated Loki, that was plain. Even if it was unintentional. He still did it. But it didn't change the fact that Loki loved his brother. That he still looked up to him like his hero, in a lot of ways. And in her anger, Leah hadn't thought that it would be humiliating for Loki, to have his big brother undressed like that in front of him, even more so to have the details of the time he ran away from home recounted like that. Unintentionally she'd drawn attention to Loki's desperation and fear back then. Something he'd confided in her in confidence, when he'd had no one else.

Damn, she'd screwed up.

"I think maybe the two of you should step out for now." Frigga says after a moment. "If you've got something to work out, I don't want you doing it here. And Thor, you need to control your temper. Your brother doesn't need your judgment now."

"But I wasn't..." Thor starts, and Frigga shakes her head, cutting him off.

"Go. Both of you. I want to be alone with my son right now."

Leah doesn't need to be told twice, shooting Loki an apologetic glance before she turns to leave.

She hopes he's alright. He won't stay mad at her. Loki never stayed mad at her. Sometimes, though, she wishes he would. He blamed himself too easily for everything.

She hears Thor following out after her, the door to the room swinging shut, and predictably he starts in on her almost immediately.

"Hey, wait a second..." he calls as she keeps walking. "I wanna know why you got so weird in there with me. Don't walk away..."

Leah whirls on him, ready for another fight. Only the anger she'd felt only moments before seems to have drained right out of her, replaced instead with an awful exhaustion. She just wanted Loki to get better. She was so tired of being scared.

And, deep down, she knows that's the only reason Thor was laying into Loki in the first place. He was scared too. He was just too self-centered to see how he was expressing it was having a negative impact on his brother.

"You were stressing Loki out Thor. Don't you see that?" She asks, her voice low. She doesn't have the energy to yell anymore. "Don't you see how shitty he already feels about himself? He doesn't need his perfect big brother telling him he's a fuck up when he's already convinced of that himself."

"I wasn't..." Thor starts to protest, but Leah won't hear it.

"He loves you Thor. He looks up to you. Fuck, he wants to _be_ like you, for _some_ reason. He wanted you here because he's scared. He's really fucking sick Thor. And he wanted his big brother to protect him. And instead he gets you coming in there and telling him it's all his fault, assaulting him with questions, interrogating him like he's some sort of criminal. If you could get your head out of your ass for five minutes and actually try and see things from his perspective, maybe you would get it."

Thor looks hurt, almost crestfallen as he looks back at her, before finally shame seems to come over him, his eyes slipping to the floor, massive hands curling to fists at his sides.

"... I was only worried about him." He says lamely, and Leah sighs.

"I know that Thor. But maybe Loki doesn't. He's so damned hard on himself all the time. And everything you say matters. That's what it means when someone looks up to you. It's your responsibility not to use that to hurt them. Not to be reckless with it."

"But... but why would he let himself sit out in the cold like that?! I was late and he just... just sat there in the cold! Why would he..."

"Thor, listen to me." Again Leah interrupts. "Loki is your brother but you don't seem to know much about him at all. He gets overwhelmed really easily. Overstimulated. It happens to people who are really highly intelligent. When you didn't show up when you said you were going to, he got worked up into thinking you probably weren't coming at all, and then he got depressed and he probably didn't even realize how cold it was out. He probably didn't even feel it. He gets lost in his head so much. If he'd thought to go inside, he would have. But Loki isn't like other people Thor. Things which might seem obvious to you or anyone else even, those things don't always occur to him. He expected you to show up when you said you would. You can't just leave Loki like that. You should have called him at least!"

"I... I know, I just..." Thor starts, and Leah can see he's beginning to realize she's right. At least he was capable of that, she thinks sourly. "I forget. I forgot to call him. With the kids running around so much and..."

Leah shakes her head.

"You can't forget with Loki, Thor. You can't do that to him. He's way too sensitive for that shit. Don't make promises to him that you either can't or won't keep. It matters to him. Do you get it?"

Thor's face is lined in pain. He looks on the verge of tears even, but Leah can't really bring herself to care. Loki was the one who'd paid for everyone else' recklessness here.

He nods weakly.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. I've... I've always known that about my brother. I just... I'm so damned selfish sometimes and I don't see, or... I make myself not see it. But I know."

"Then you can do better." Leah tells him, and she watches him nod to that too, finally looking up at her.

"I know." He says. "And I will."

"We'll see." Leah tells him.

She turns then without another word, moving quickly down the hall.

She needed to get out of here for a while. She needed to just get the hell away.

/

 **AN: Hey everyone! Another chapter, for any interested! I hope you guys liked it who read, and if you have a chance, please let me know your thoughts! As always, all my thanks to all my supporters! You guys are the best!**


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